I love my kids. I love my wife. I have a great life in every way possible. But I’m not going to lie, the best part of my day, as a parent, is my morning shower. My shower is getting longer and longer. I spend so much time in there my wife is starting to get suspicious. I don’t blame her. I’m doing it all in there.
I won’t apologize, I’m trying to figure out more activities I can take on while showering. I already soap, shampoo, shave, and brush my teeth. I know what some of you think I should add, but you can stop that thinking right there. The mere existence of a drain does not justify that type of behavior.
Don’t judge me, let me explain. I have a wife, two daughters, and a newborn son. At any given moment during the day, at least one of those individuals is constantly trying to tell me about some asinine event from their day. And while the stories they are telling me are always horrible and boring, I do everything I can to make them feel like the things they are saying are not only insightful, but really important to me for my existence as a human being. The shower is my own personal Cheers and I’m Norm. It’s the place I get to go, all by myself, and be me. For at least a brief reprieve, I’m alone with my thoughts and my increasingly disappointing physique.
And when I get into that shower? Elysium! I like to brush my teeth first. It is a good way to mindlessly perform a simple task while allowing the hot water to slowly bring me to life on early morning. I’ll brush for a good 6 minutes. From there I go into a pretty typical shower routine.
Normally, I would leave it at that, but since I fancy myself an expert in top notch personal hygiene, I am going to do some of you hobos a favor and teach you how to properly clean your body:
Shampoo- Guys, you’ve got to do this every day. You can’t just rub a thin plastic coating on your hair and call it clean. Go buy a decent shampoo that will get in there and wash the dirt and grime and styling glue out of your head. Your hair will thank you, and you can thank me. Ladies…I don’t have any advice for you here, I bet you look good washing your hair in the shower…go on girl.
Conditioner- I only have a half inch’s worth of hair on my head, so I’ll use conditioner twice a week. Put it in, and let it sit for about two minutes. This is important: Don’t fill the time doing other shower activities, just enjoy the hot water on your body.
Soap- Walk into your bathroom right now and grab all of your body wash. Place it into a small grocery bag and throw it out of your car next time you are on the freeway. Now go buy a BAR of soap like a real man. You need a bar. Trust me.
Now, take the bar and a washcloth and start scrubbing. Really scrub! If it doesn’t sort of sting, you might want to do an informal survey of the people around you. They will confirm the sad truth: you stink. Scrub every crevice. Yes, even there! Scrub man; get the pores in your pores. Ladies…mmmm, yeah, keep on showering.
Soap 2- Now that you are soaped and rinsed; it’s time for round 2. Quick, turn your faucet to ice cold. Time to close those pores. Is it freezing? Did you make a girly, gasping sound? Good, now grab your bar of soap and scrub it up again. Rinse off and you’re there.
Okay, you are done. If you are a shower-shaver, you should do the shaving in between Soap 1 and Soap 2. Remember, it’s always a good idea to blow dry your, ahem…private parts (just make sure your 3-year-old daughter doesn’t walk into the bathroom while you have one leg propped on the sink and the blow dryer inverted. Also, don’t tell your wife what you use her hair dryer for). Once dry, remember to apply the baby powder liberally to the same region.
Viola! You are clean, dry, and all day fresh. Don’t forget the anti-perspirant (deodorant is like pouring cheap cologne in a bowl of your own sweat, stirring it up and spraying it on your clean body).
Now take a deep breath, exhale, yank up your underwear and open the door. Let the girls hang out with you while you get ready. You’ve been alone nearly 15 minutes, and you are due to catch up on some really detailed stories about the lady who visited the school and did a presentation about balloon animals and some of the great jokes she tells. It’s the best part of the day!