Forgiveness

I’m trying to live a life in harmony with my universe. I believe negative thoughts and feelings toward an individual are damaging to my happiness, and I swear I’m trying. But you don’t gain enlightenment in a day, and some injuries hurt longer than others.

There is a person in my history with whom I am struggling to find peace. I don’t see or talk to this person anymore, but the impact this person has had on my life, and the way they make me feel about myself, remains. I’ve tried the standard stuff: reframing, putting myself in their shoes, speaking kindly of the person while others disparaged…even praying for their success. Nothing works.

I read online recently about an exercise therapists use to treat patients struggling to forgive. I don’t know that this person is necessarily in need of my forgiveness, but I’ll try anything to pass this nagging pit of animosity I feel.

Basically, the project involves writing a letter to the person. Write all of your feelings, holding nothing back. Let the anger and frustration flow. After writing the letter (don’t send it), write a response to the letter from your enemy. Write all the things you want them to say. All the things you know they never would say. Then sign their name to it and read it back to yourself. Evidently, this tricks your brain into forgiving the person for the wrongs you have felt by their hand. Even though you know the plan, you know they didn’t write it, and you know they wouldn’t have sent it…somehow, your brain lets go.

Sounds like something a girl from the Bachelorette would do from the limo after being kicked off the show. But I’ll try anything. So I’m going to do it here on the blog. Obviously, I will change the name to protect the innocent. Mom, if you’re reading this, stop here. I might use language unbecoming of an Eagle Scout.

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Whoa. It was way worse than I thought it would be when I started. Sorry, but there is just no good reason for me to post this letter for the public to see. I’ll wait a day or two and write a letter back to myself, and then I’ll report back. Just know this: reading through what I just wrote to this person…man, I got rid of a lot of emotions. Also, by writing it, I discovered that I am a huge dick and might be the problem here.