Doug Reviews Guilt

This morning I spoke with the Paul Pfeiffer to my Kevin Arnold (if I could use a Wonder Years reference). Actually, I’m probably the Paul to his Kevin, because if they made a TV show about our childhood, I imagine it would probably focus on him… but now we are arguing semantics. The fact is, if you are telling a story about me from my own personal wonder years, you have to include him and vice versa. But for the purposes of today’s story, I’ll call him Kevin.

Before I go into detail about our conversation, let me give you some background. During my high school days I was probably popular. I say “probably” because I never considered myself popular (actually I considered myself a loser who was terrified of girls, teachers and my father). However, looking back and comparing how easy my high school experience was when compared to others…I didn’t dislike anyone and I am unaware of any enemies, so I guess that makes me at least mid-level popular.

In high school, you sort of are who your friends are. There were many people I was friends with, but really there were only five guys I considered my actual true friends. One of them was killed so let’s call it four. There are on this planet four human males I consider to be crucial to the shaping of my existence, for dictating who I would become, and who I am today. We had the traditional friendship, the vulnerable kind where they knew everything  about me, and I them, including the most embarrassing and shameful parts. When you can sit in the same room with a guy and attempt to watch the scrambled soft core “Action Channel” together…that is the highest or deepest level of friendship.  Your friends matter.

You move on, though. You go to college, you get married, you have kids. Your interests change, your surroundings change, your friends change. And it’s ok, because that is the same life we all face. But you never forget. You never lose those feelings for the ones who got you through.  

Anyway, “Kevin” and I were talking, reminiscing as we tend to do. We live on opposite sides of the world and only see each other once or twice a year, but the natural rhythms, the laughter, and the roles we each play in one another’s lives come as naturally to us as tears to a military funeral. Our conversation this morning, though, went to a new place of shared guilt and regret for what growing up does to a man.

One of the friends from the above named group of four lost his father to cancer last year.  Incidentally, this father was among the villagers responsible for raising me. He was my first basketball coach. I watched my first R-rated movie (The Silence of the Lambs)  in his den, unbeknownst to him. He went from basketball coach to basketball fan, watching and cheering for me as I played up through the school system. He bought a pool table, and at once became equal parts billiards coach/billiards heckler to our group of friends. He was the “buddy’s dad” who owned a golf cart and would buy us pizza pretty much whenever we wanted it. He was a pillar in the foundation holding up the walls of my youth. And he was ravaged and decimated by stupid, heartless cancer.

During our conversation this morning, Kevin asked me if I had spoken to our friend since his dad passed. I crinkled my brow, thinking back to the funeral I didn’t attend, and responded, “No, I texted him my condolences when his dad died. That’s the last I’ve spoken to him.” Kevin admitted he had left our friend a voicemail, but that was the extent of his reaching out. There was a brief pause in our conversation as we both attempted to come to terms with our shame, and then I cracked a joke to avoid bursting into tears. We spoke for a few minutes longer and ended the call.

All day I’ve been thinking about that conversation. It has distracted me. This is what I’ve become? Now I’m the guy who sends a text to one of my closest, most valuable friends when he goes through the pain of losing his father? Are the rest of us this cold, or is it just me? Once again, the convenience of technology has allowed for me to fake actual human interaction, while completely avoiding it. Shame on me.

There are moments in life that matter. Our friends matter. I have failed a good friend of mine during one of these moments. This happened a year ago. To call him now would be pointless and awkward. I need to find a way to make it up to him, to show him that regardless of what happens or the distance between us (figuratively and literally), I still care. I just don’t know how. Dave, if you ever read this…I’m sorry, man. I failed as a friend.

Doug Reviews Songs

There are thousands of awesome songs out there. Thousands! So a week ago when I started thinking, “What are my favorite song lyrics of all time?” it seemed an impossible task. I felt like I might as well attempt to climb Mount Everest rather than compile a list of top ten song lyrics. Impossible!

But you know what? My cousin recently reached the summit of Everest. He is a huge inspiration to me, so I decided to give it a try. Going in, I set up some rules for myself:

1.       Context doesn’t matter- These have to be lyrics that can stand alone without hearing the rest of the song to get their meaning. They can’t be self-referencing or story based.

2.       Only one entry per musician- This is to broaden the scope. I could sit here and quote Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and Bob Seger all day, but I want to get the best lines and remove body of work as a criteria. This opens the door for anyone, rather than only the most famous bands and songwriters of all time (although none of my “One Hit Wonder” submissions made the final list).

3.       It has to be my list- I could very easily have gone with all the old standbys based on cultural popularity (which I did, in some cases) but instead the lyrics have to make a personal connection with me, enough that I can write a small piece of how the lyrics impact me.  

4.       The song doesn’t matter- These lyrics all come from great songs, but not necessarily my favorite songs. Sometimes, they don’t even come from my favorite song by the artist I am quoting! In fact, a couple of my favorite bands/singers don’t even show up on this list.

I feel like I did some pretty good work here. Consider today’s blog my own personal Everest. The following is a list of my top ten song lyrics of all time. This list only applies to me, so feel free to add your own favorites in the comments.

10) “You can choose a ready guide from some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill. I will choose a path that’s clear: I will choose free will.” Rush, Free Will

I don’t want to turn this into a philosophical discussion debating the concepts of Free Will versus Calvinism/Determinism. But I cannot deny is there is no better song to crank in the car when I am down on myself or frustrated or helpless.

The way the chorus sneaks out the first few lines as it secretly ascends through its progressions is genius. The final declaration is one any song singer worth his salt can deliver with the deepest of convictions. Just hold the “choose” a quarter of a beat longer than it seems like you should (don’t worry, Neil Pert will take care of you), and announce to the world, “I will choooose free will!”

What a liberating song. I dare you to go out in your car, crank this jam and not emerge feeling like you can destroy small cities with the awesomeness of your air guitar skills.  

9) “I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life. I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s life. But why, why, why can’t it be mine?” Pearl Jam, Black

This line (and the way Eddie delivers it) has a peculiar power: It creates a make believe person in my past that I actually can feel strong emotions for. I have to come clean; I have never been through a messy break up. Sure, I’ve been dumped and I’ve probably broken a heart or two along the way, but I don’t have that person in my past that makes me wonder “what if?” Somehow, this line from this song invents such a person in my past. It builds a feeling of longing and despair that there is someone who you just couldn’t work it out with.

(It doesn’t hurt that Eddie Vedder could sing the ingredients on an Altoids tin and make it sound like there is pain behind the lyrics)

8) “We’ll make the air with music ring, shout praises to our God and King!” -Mormons, Come, Come ye Saints

Sorry, you know I had to get all Mormon up in here at least once, right? I can’t imagine being an early pioneer. I can’t imagine being forced out of my home and made to trek west in a great modern day exodus, searching for a resting place and a place to escape the religious persecution they faced. I can’t imagine the hardships, the death, the lost children and loved ones, the despair... I don’t think I could do it.

That’s why this line gives me chills when I hear it. It starts off with what sounds almost like a marching beat, as if you can feel the resolve to get through the sentence. And just as poetically, it ends with immediate self-fulfilling prophesy; rather than sing the line, one quite literally shouts praises to God and King while describing their intentions to do just that. Thrilling.

7) “With the lights out, it’s less dangerous. Here we are, now entertain us.” -Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit

From one religion to the next, we review the most famous work of demigod Kurt Cobain. This line somehow speaks volumes of mine and probably most teenage generations. It is not what lurks in the shadows that scare us, but the monster of reality staring at us in broad daylight. I hear this line, and I am reminded of the relative anonymity that exists when the light go dark.

Simultaneously, isn’t the second line the epitome of teenage hypocrisy? Indicating that “here we are” as if they are forced to be there (and let’s face it, teenagers feel forced to be anywhere), and now it is the world’s job to provide entertainment. How do people write this stuff? I can’t break down in two paragraphs even one portion of what Cobain said in 13 little words.   

6) “The best thing you’ve ever done for me was to help me take my life less seriously. It’s only life, after all.” And “There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line. The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

I’m breaking a lot of rules here. First of all, most of you bigots are going to probably accuse me of “lezzing out” with this pick. Secondly, it is a scientific fact that women are not as good at writing songs as men are, so the Indigos shouldn’t even be on this list. That’s a given. And finally, I broke my own rule by putting two separate lines into one pick. Bush League, it is Bush League all around.

Having said all that, I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here and let you disparage this song, and especially these lyrics. We all go through moments where we want to give it all away and become free spirits, glowing nymphs dancing in a moonlit forest. And if I’m honest? This song does just that for me. No matter how I feel before this song plays, afterwards you can bet I will always feel more content and at peace with myself and the world.

And I’ll be even more honest with you: I had a tough time narrowing it down to only two lines from this song. It is so freaking good.

5) “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our mind.” Bob Marley, Redemption Song

This is my go to song quote. If I were to get a tattoo of a song quote on my ribcage, it would most likely be this one. Obviously it is a beautiful quote and deep and poetic. But even more than that, for some reason knowing this line makes a perpetually nerdy white guy like me feel somehow a little cooler. It’s like, by knowing this quote, I can scoff at all the poser Rastafarians who don’t truly understand what Marley was all about, man.

Also, the song itself fills me with a generous helping of white guilt, so it keeps me honest.

4) “Here comes the sun and, I say, it’s alright!” Beatles, HereComes the Sun

Are you getting to see a bit of a pattern here? I like feel good tunes. And there is no better feel good song than Here Comes the Sun.

Did you know George Harrison wrote this one? Did you know it is him singing? Did you know he wrote it while wandering around the garden at Eric Clapton’s house? Did you know he wrote it after a winter when he did a brief stint in rehab, and this song is quite literally about the sun breaking through the clouds on a wintery spring day?

So I’m sorry if I don’t clap along to it like a barking seal when I hear some peppy, generic version of the song.

3) “I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. There ain’t nothin’ that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.” Bob Dylan, To Make You Feel My Love

Bob Dylan wrote it, Garth Brooks mastered it, and Adele devoured it. It was written sweet, made perfect with cowboy sadness and then belted out by the best songstress of this generation. Pretty timeless  hit, and one that is particularly special for me. The Garth Brooks version of this song is what my wife and danced to for our “first dance.”

As we swayed back and forth, the emotions and dreams and visions for our future swirling all around me, this line penetrated into me, and at the time I thought there might not ever be a better moment of my life, and there might not ever be a better description for the way I was feeling for my wife that night.

Even now, typing this, I reflect on the enormity of creation and wonder how I found her. I have a lot of cool things, a great job, and the best friends in the world. But I would give it all up at once if it meant staying by her side.

2) “I don’t need to fight to prove I’m right. I don’t need to be forgiven.” The Who, Baba O’Reilly

You know how people will describe to you those “A-ha!” moments they’ve had in their lives? Well, this line provided one of those moments for me. I was on my motorcycle, it was cloudy and nearing dark, and I was listening contently to the best of The Who.

I won’t go into detail, because the moment is mine and I wouldn’t share it with the world, but it certainly has stuck with me. I feel it has made me less prone to anger, less of a fighter, more peaceful and more whole with my existence. Thanks a lot, Who guys.

(For any of you worried about the legacy of the Chambers boys, relax. You still can’t mess with one Chambers brother without facing the wrath of the other. We are like a tiny little two-man Mexican family)

1) “Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.” -Bob Seger, Against the Wind

This is the greatest song lyric of all time. I’ve never met anyone this didn’t resonate with. The line has been often duplicated and borrowed by other musicians, simply because of the purity it maintains. Nostalgia is a powerful thing, and all of us like to look back at who we were and use it as a guide for who we are and who we want to be. This line invokes the opposite greed; it is directly opposed to using knowledge as power. It speaks to the majesty of wide-eyed wonder and the optimism the future holds for all of us.

Each time I hear it, I remind myself to be happy, knowing that even the hardships we have coming up will be valuable to us. They will teach us things we probably don’t want to know, so we might as well go blindly forward, because not knowing is the only thing that keeps us trying.

Doug Reviews Jurassic Park

The following is my first ever attempt at a parable. It is inspired by a friend of mine, we will call him “JT.” Jesus taught in parables. Here’s the thing, I’m no Jesus, so be patient with me. It’s my first try. Usually I over state my point, making it very clear what I am trying to discuss. This one is different. “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

There was once a wealthy man obsessed with dinosaurs. He dedicated all of his vast resources, time, energy and sanity to the possibility of seeing dinosaurs once again roam the Earth. He hired all the best minds to help him achieve his goal.

Finally, a breakthrough. A prehistoric mosquito was found mummified inside a nugget of fossilized amber. Inside the mosquito was a tiny drop of dinosaur blood. This scrap of DNA was enough to apply to the cloning procedure the wealthy man had developed and at last, his dreams came true: the rebirth of dinosaurs in our modern age!

The wealthy man wanted everyone to marvel at his creation. He wanted to share the majesty of the dinosaurs with the rest of the world.

He bought an island on which the dinosaurs would live. He went to great lengths to secure the island, ensuring the safety of the people who would come. He built large, heavy fences and electrified them. He built ditches around the fences to prevent the dinosaurs from getting through. He built walls and escape routes and emergency shutdown procedures and Plan C’s to back-up Plan B’s if anything were to ever go wrong.

Well, “best laid plans”, and all that. The wealthy man soon discovered what happens when you try to cage a dinosaur. The dinosaur will only stay happy until it discovers the cage. It will roam and eat and kill and live a fulfilled life, until someone puts up an obstacle blocking the path of the dinosaur.

Upon discovering said cage, a dinosaur will typically react by saying, “What the eff is this? They are trying to cage me in, limit where I can go and what I can do? Don’t they know I am a mother effin dinosaur?!”

Dinosaurs will typically follow this statement by tearing down the cage, rampaging through the island, and killing all the humans, even the ones who didn’t want to cage them.  Occasionally, some humans will survive. But these are usually the ones who knew going in that dinosaurs are dangerous and perhaps not to be trifled with.

And so it is with us. If we are hell bent on bringing dinosaurs to our island, we need to know going in that none of the intricate plans we create to box in the dinosaurs will work forever. A time will come when the dinosaurs reach the limits of their cage. And they will not react positively to the realization that they have been in a cage all along. Hopefully, when that day comes we are all huddled together in the helicopter flying us to safety instead of dropping a two in the outhouse, just waiting to be eaten.

And so it is for all men who attempt to cage a dinosaur.

Doug Reviews Cheating

Author’s Note: I just read through this post, and it took me in a direction I was not expecting. After my last few blogs, you may feel like you are an audience member to the live unraveling of my sanity, post by post. Don’t worry, I will ensure my next post is filled with toilet jokes and cleverly crafted insults toward celebrities.Enjoy!

What if I told you Osama Bin Laden was a fraud? What if I had videos that showed Bin Laden renouncing Islam and accepting Jesus as his personal Savior? What if every terror attack orchestrated by Bin Laden was performed under false pretenses? Would you care?

I didn’t think so. The fact is, you and I don’t care why Osama Bin Laden did what he did, and we don’t care what he had to do to rise to the top of Al-Qaeda. The only thing we care about is that he planned and executed attacks that directly led to the deaths of thousands of innocent people.   We don’t care about the means in this situation; we only care about the end.

With that concept in mind, check out the following data: Since its inception, the Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” Foundation has raised over $470 Million dollars, 81% of which has gone directly to help fight cancer or support cancer patients.

I’m no mathematician, but I think 81% of $470,000,000 is over $380 million dollars that has been raised to fight cancer! All thanks to those douchey little yellow bands.

But wait, there’s bad news!  Lance Armstrong, the head and founder and spokesman and reason for the foundation’s existence probably used performance enhancing drugs on his way to his remarkable 7 straight Tour de Francevictories. How can we forgive this monster? He is a cheater and a fraud. He had the audacity to win bike races against all the other guys who were using PED’s(which, by the way, is not a made up statistic. In some cases, you have to goto the 24^th place finisher to find a guy that wasn’t racing with drug assistance).

I’ll be honest, I’ve never really been a big Lance Armstrong fan, and I was among the first to assume he was guilty years ago when the accusations first started to fly. I find it interesting that I am here defending him. But the fact is, it is hard not to admire the guy for his public bouts with cancer and the work he has done to fight cancer. Just as Bin Laden’s actions led to death, Lance Armstrong’s actions led to life, care, and hope.

And no matter what is and isn’t false about Armstrong, the hope he created is real.  

Disclaimer here, I’m not a very good litmus test for this type of behavior. My favorite comic book hero of all time is Captain America. Cap’s whole premise is that he was a wimpy (but good hearted) guy who was injected with performance enhancing steroids and then started going around saving the world. No one seemed to care that drugs gave him his powers.

So forgive me if I don’t hop aboard the condemnation express to speak out against the fallen hero, Lance Armstrong.

Steroids saved baseball in the late 90’s. If it weren’t for Big Mac, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds breaking homerun records, Major League Baseball might have wilted and died in the post-strike era. And by the way, when a batter using steroids hits a homerun against a pitcher using steroids…isn’t that like a double negative, where it cancels itself out?

If it weren’t for steroids, professional wrestling would be nothing more than skinny guys in singlets doing that awkward wrestling that your weird friend did in high school.

Maybe this one might hurt a little more. If it weren’t for drugs, we wouldn’t have The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, The Who,Led Zeppelin or any other band or musician since. One of my favorite songs is “SheTalks to Angels” by the Black Crows. The song is very literally about a woman addicted to Heroin, yet I hear it and I close my eyes and I develop an emotional attachment to this girl.

All because of drugs.

Look, I am in no way condoning illegal drug use of any kind.Those of you who know me know that not only have I never touched a single illegal drug, I even get a little woozy from more than three Advil. But who amI to judge? My whole life has been filled with one amazing lucky break after another, from child birth to the typing of this word. I have never needed to escape from my reality, because my reality is awesome.

Some turn to drugs, and that’s part of their journey. I wish they wouldn’t. I’ve seen friends and family, some who have come back, some who haven’t.The pain and grief drug addicts put their families through is real and(speaking from experience) kind of selfish.   

So no, I am definitely not condoning drug use. On the other hand, I am not condemning it either. Especially since we as a nation hypocritically worship the ground our most famous drug users walk on. If the message to kids is “Say No to Drugs,” than we sure as hell don’t tell them why.Kids are smart enough to figure out at a pretty young age that everything is not as drug free as it seems. The idols we force upon our youth are often the same drug addicted bullies we create campaigns to stop.

Sorry to cross comic universes here, but there is a line I love in the Dark Knight, where Alfred is arguing with Bruce Wayne that perhaps they don’t quite understand the Joker. He tells Bruce a story about the attempts he once made to find a bandit stealing precious gems in the jungle. He ended the story with an incredible quote, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

You know what? Most of us are more like the Joker than like Batman. We sit happily by with front row seats as we watch the world burn. We speak out against the injustices in the world, we talk about a drug free society, we shake our heads in disgust while radio hosts tell us what a shameLance Armstrong is.

Once we are done condemning, though, we sit comfortably on our couch. We pull out our iPads made by slave laborers in Asia and listen to music performed by violent junkies. We turn the TV on and watch the NFL, where enormous men spend three hours crashing into each other at full speed, leaving lasting lifetime health issues. We cheer them on, then act shocked and outraged when they die young or kill themselves.

The world is burning all around us. And I am just watching and laughing. Now someone in the media wants me to get riled up because some jerk who only raised a measly $380 million for cancer victims injected his own blood back into his body?

Please.

Doug Reviews Talking to Strangers

I am writing this blog on my phone, in a small sandwich shop during my lunch hour. Amazing!

Walking around downtown Vancouver today, I started taking notice of people's reactions to me. By nature, I smile and often say, "Hi" to strangers when I pass them on the sidewalk. I get 1 of 3 reactions:

1. Guy glances at me like I asked him to suck snake venom out of my upper thigh. He quickly averts his gaze and looks down at the sidewalk, while suddenly picking up his pace.

2. Girl immediately assumes I am hitting on her and makes a "who farted" face. This always sort of makes me feel bad. Look, I know I'm no Kevin Costner, but jeez ladies, if the thought of me hitting on you is that repulsive, your standards are too high. I mean, the fact that I am freshly bathed, wearing a suit and evidently employed should give me a leg up on the competition, right?

3. Person smiles and says hello back. This happens once a week, so maybe like 2% of the people I say hello to.

So obviously, I was feeling a little blue when I sat down to my Italian BMT.

But then I started thinking, what are these encounters with me like for the other person? Let's review the evidence:

A 6'4", 230 pound white man dressed in an ill fitting suit walks up to you and barks, "Hi!"

He follows this up by staring at you expectantly with an enormous smile and judging eyes, like a maniac planning his next murder.

Suddenly, by looking at things from that perspective, I can understand the discomfort displayed by most strangers on the street. They aren't the psychopaths, I am. Who struts around town smiling and greeting everyone other than politicians and crazies?

Upon coming to this conclusion, I picked up my phone and started typing, and now here we are.

What would happen if I went through other aspects of my life and applied the same principle of viewing the world from the perspective of others instead of using my same old judgements and biases?

What would my marriage be like? What about work?

What about presidential debates? What kind of posts would show up on Facebook if everyone did this? Would we remain a nation divided, willing to die on each and every hill of our own moronic and limited opinion?

I don't know. I'm really just wandering around in my brain right now. Sorry about the lame post. I'll put something up to bury this soon, maybe tonight.

Doug Reviews Looper

If you could travel back in time to confront Hitler as a youth, would you kill him?

Would you be able to live with yourself for murdering an innocent child, simply because in our version of reality the little boy grows up to be a monster? What about the people who would most definitely try to stop you? Are they unwitting instigators of the Holocaust, or are they defending a child from the most horrible of monsters, a child killer?

These are some of the questions Looper tries to investigate. I won’t spoil the movie for you, but basically, Looper dares to ask (and delightfully fails to answer) any of those questions. It is good without being great.

In case you haven’t seen the previews, Looper is the story of Bruce Willis time traveling back to his younger self in an effort to set the world straight. His younger self is played by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, who does his best throughout the movie to make classic Bruce Willis disgusted faces and say classic Bruce Willis things. His attempts at recreating a young Bruce Willis are noble…but not very believable.

Gordon-Leavitt has an interesting career. He is a huge talent, a great actor, and yet I feel ho-hum toward his acting. Why is that? Maybe it’s the curse of the child actor. I watch him acting like a complex adult and talking tough and saying swears, but all I see is the doofy kid waving his arms to let Danny Glover know there were angels in the outfield (sorry, I know 3^rd Rock from the Sun should be the go to reference here, but I like the reminder that there was once a movie where angels helped decide the outcome of baseball games).

Back to the movie. Looper is entertaining. It does a good job of stating the facts about time travel without trying to confuse the audience. It’s a smart move. Most movie audiences are as stupid as I am, and all we understand of wormholes, time travel, and the space-time continuum we learned from Marty and Doc. Looper tells us, “Look, time travel is possible for the sake of this story, and we aren’t going to trot out Stephen Hawking to try to validate the science behind it.” It is refreshing and helps the movie suspend disbelief.

No spoilers, but I’ll recommend you see it. It takes you to places I didn’t expect from the trailers, and the movie ends in a way that seems both startling and inevitable. Bruce Willis does his usual thing of being unimpressed with analytics and sort of punching his way through tough situations.

If you go expecting a highly intelligent exploration of the concepts and theories behind time travel, eh, you’ll probably be able to poke holes in the plot and leave with more questions than answers. However, if you want the rare movie that at least tries out an original take on an old genre, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Oh, and for me, the answer is I’d let little Hitler live. But not before I take his eyes. Does that make me a monster? I mean, you can’t hate the Jews you can’t see, right? Don’t judge me, he’ll still be successful, just more inspiring and less hate mongering. I mean, it’s like Helen Keller once said, “ojnwrefjnweAOU v;’/ohfei8owrf ;LJFOPWIEFHNn sdkjfnkjnrfuj.”

Doug Reviews Politics

I’m really looking forward to tonight’s debate.

I’m totally dreading tonight’s debate.

There is a debate tonight!

The election has been on my mind a great deal lately, and to be fair, at the end of this post I will tell you who I am probably voting for. But first let me tell you why.

To start, let’s all back off the idea that either of the two major candidates for president are trying to _(fill in the blank)____ the very fabric of __(fill in the blank)__.    Too many of us think either candidate for president will drag us down into the depths of slavery and bondage. They aren’t the problem, we are. So can we just stop sending each other the emails filled with hateful rhetoric about the hidden opinions and motives we like to project onto our favorite political villain?

My daily commute takes about 22 minutes. Every morning I listen to conservative talk radio and every evening I listen to liberal talk radio. No difference. Sure, there is some change in the tired old arguments each side trot out every day, but when I say no difference I mean there is not one speck of open-mindedness from either side of my radio dial.

Just this morning, I heard a conservative talk show host claim that anyone who votes for a liberal is a “mindless sheep that doesn’t think for themselves.” Then, ON THE VERY SAME DAY, I heard a liberal talk show host accuse every conservative of being a “moron incapable of processing logic.” People, this isn’t some made up bull crap to make my point, I heard these two comments today!

Do you really believe one of them is right? If so, I really feel like you’re not giving your conservative/liberal friends much credit. My closest and most respected friends disagree with me on many political subjects, for that I should assume they are mindless morons?

Why do we have to over politicize every topic? It’s like anything that could ever happen to you falls into the old “there’s an app for that” commercials.

iPhone or Droid? There’s a party for that.

Chicken or salad? There’s a party for that.

Star Wars or Star Trek? There’s a party for that.

Red Sox or Yankees? There’s a party for that.

But what about the growing number of us out there whose answer to the questions above is “neither”?

Look, those of you reading this are much smarter than me. And most of you have stronger opinions on the matter. You can quote to me precedents and stats and numbers and things other people have said, and I will totally agree with you and support you in your opinion. But I am supporting you having the right to have an opinion. I am not supporting any old opinion you throw out there. Opinions are a storyteller’s romantic version of facts. Luckily, we all love the story more than the facts and get to discuss our opinions.

Can you imagine my blogs if they contained no opinion? The blog would be even less bearable to read than it is now.  It would be me describing the rules of a game show and the outcome of said game show. Who wants to print that off at work and take it to the john to read?

I’m sorry, Republicans, but you’re being unreasonable and crazy. All democrats are not socialist anarchists looking to destroy America one unfortunate circumstance at a time. They don’t all want to elect Barack Obama as Muslim King of Earth and bask in his anti-American platforms.  

No, the liberals I speak with simply feel like there is a wide gap on this continent between the haves and the have nots; they believe the causes for this gap are socioeconomic circumstances that are perpetuated from birth. They feel we as a society, and the government as the head and representative of that society, is tasked to take the reins to ensure all citizens are given opportunity to pursue and obtain the same liberties and basic rights of food, shelter and care that the rest of us enjoy.

Don’t celebrate too soon, Democrats. Just settle down and stop being such a bunch of name calling pansies. Republicans do not hate and want to destroy the poor and less fortunate. They believe most of the same things you do. Their feeling, however, is that the US government has proven time and time again that it is not the most efficient administrator of the programs you feel all should partake in. But be careful accusing them of being heartless. Many of the “Christian Right” believe in donating to charitable causes even more of their money than what the government automatically takes for social welfare programs.

Tonight, do me a favor. Watch the debate and as soon as it is over, turn off the TV. Try to strip away all biases and make an effort to analyze what you heard. Don’t leave the TV on for the pundits and experts and “Fox News Contributors” to tell you what to think. Don’t let MSNBC fool you with their outrage that the Republicans had the audacity to send forth a candidate. Don’t buy in to the religious fervor of the day that is American politics. Just think.

I told you I’d let you know who I plan to vote for. The truth is, I’m not sure. I want to watch the debates and make my decision based on them. I won’t lie, I feel like a Republican Congress has blocked President Obama from getting much done, and will continue to do so. Romney would have more luck taking action and getting that action through congress. Something needs to happen, so for now, I am probably leaning toward the guy that at least has a chance of success. Sorry, I’m kind of pragmatic that way.

Doug Reviews The Amazing Race

I’m so glad The Amazing Race is back!

The Amazing Race is my favorite game show. I love how they basically take the concept of the physical challenges from Double Dare and turn them into a race around the world. If you are among the millions who want to go on the show, pick a partner and evaluate your relationship. In order to qualify, the two of you must fall into one or more of the following ten categories:

Meathead Couple- CBS usually shows us this couple doing various workout routines during the introduction bio. The guys are always wearing those strange lady tank tops, and the girls wear yoga pant and STRICTLY YOGA PANTS! This team is always a safe bet to take in your office pool to win it all.

The challenges are made for them, because they typically require basic repetition of the same tedious activity over and over again, which is perfect for people who track their sets and reps. Plus, since this team is in peak physical condition, they are usually in at least the final three (however, they are prone to leaving backpacks/passports/jackets behind, costing them the race).

Lifelong Friends Nerd Couple-  A fairly broad category. I use ‘nerd’ in the title, but really it’s anything that makes the pair social outcasts: Band geeks, choir boys, hillbillies, comic book experts, and medieval war re-enactors. Basically, anything that CBS wants us to point and laugh at fits into this category (this is usually a pretty strong team, and is probably a good pick for top three).  

Siblings Couple- This team can be two brothers, two sisters, or one of each. They usually fight a lot, but tend to do well because they've been on the real life amazing race with each other their whole lives. My favorite version of this couple is always the half and half version. The producers (I assume intentionally) always seem to pick a brother/sister combo with weird sexual tension. You know, the kind that “used to wrestle each other a lot when they were teenagers?” (Usually a top three finisher)

Sob Story Couple- Does your partner have a nose for an ear? Are you having trouble getting over the loss of a distant relative that you never met? Have you been self-diagnosed with an imaginary handicap?  Are you comfortable exploiting that handicap? If so, you might be a perfect contestant for The Amazing Race

Alternative Couple- I like how people with tattoos and piercings still think their appearance has any sort of shock value to the public. One of the members of this team will say, “All these people are gonna see us and make a judgment, they’re gonna totally underestimate us. They won’t realize we can read maps and drive cars. We have the advantage!”

Every time I hear that I giggle. Do these people think its 1983? Do they know the rest of us have been in public in the last 20 years? Do they know we have internet?  Yeah, we get it, you read Kurt Vonnegut and you’re a super hip nihilist. We don’t care, leave us alone.

Divorcees Couple- This is usually two catty women who have recently been through a divorce. They are uncomfortably self-absorbed and insecure, and they like to pretend they don’t feel as lonely and fragile as they clearly are.

Token Gay Couple- Look, enough already. We know, gay guys have high pitched voices and like to wave both hands in front of them and say witty things in a sing song way, like “I don’t know if that cowboy needs a new saddle but I’d sure like him to tan my hide!” and “Oh Bruce…you’re so bad!”

Give me a break. Can’t we just get some normal people who happen to be gay rather than trotting out the same faggy Richard Simmons impersonator each season?

Token Black Couple- CBS always makes sure to include a black couple, just to make sure we all know how progressive of a network CBS is (but don’t get nervous, there’s usually only one black team. I mean, CBS still wants ratings, amirite?).

Vaguely Familiar Couple- If you’re not a big enough Celebrity to go on Celebrity Boot Camp, Dancing with the Stars, The Surreal Life, The Celebrity Apprentice, Hollywood Squares or The Steve Harvey Show, but you still need some money and you miss the brief limelight you once glimpsed, hey, maybe The Amazing Race is hiring!

Old Couple- The old couple is always my favorite. Every season, during the first episode bios, the old couple will talk about how vibrant and young they feel, and they usually say something like “these younger teams better watch out! We’re here to show them a thing or two!”

They usually follow this statement by immediately being eliminated first from the race. And look, I’m not here to judge, but it’s almost always because they were either too old and confused or too old and weak to complete a challenge.

Think you can cut it? The competition is tough, but I love it. Nothing is more brutal than watching a team eat a slop bucket filled with fried monkey turds and then cheering them on as they wade through a river of cow’s blood to the checkpoint in last place. You can feel the will to live escape from their body as Phil states, “I’m sorry, but you have bean eliminated from the race.” (I love how Phil says “been”)

If you are up for the challenge, and you still feel like you've got what it takes, head on over to CBS.com for your chance to be on The Amazing Race!