tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65010458726054314932024-02-20T01:33:56.034-08:00Doug Reviews ThingsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-78502297010697136482016-12-09T19:30:00.000-08:002016-12-14T08:49:36.965-08:00Robot Dystopia<div class="MsoNormal">
The political fervor on what to do with those who would
steal our jobs has reached an all-time high. Some want to send the job thieves
back where they came from, others support amnesty and welcoming them with open
arms. Collectively, we are missing the point of such a short-sighted and
temporary problem and ignoring the only fact that matters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually, your job will be taken by a robot. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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The inevitable rise of capable machines will lead to one of
two scenarios: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->The very familiar and highly anticipated
dystopian future recognizable in Hollywood blockbusters.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->A friendlier utopia filled with meaningful
leisure time and philosophical harmony for humans and robots. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The way the world works today, the robot replacing you will
likely be owned by one of a handful of wealthy corporations, and because the
company owns the robot, the savings created by eliminating your salary will go
to the pockets of the corporations. Humans will be unemployed; corporations
will make more money. Despite what tax law and politicized sensationalists wants
you to believe, humans are not corporations, nor vice versa. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Robot Adaption Initiative is already underway. Right now
it isn’t a problem for those of us who are not being replaced by automated grocery
check out, self-taxied cars, touch-screen tellers, online travel booking, home-building
3D printers, and automated phone services. But our day will come. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Executives and middle managers, whose roles in decision
making, motivation, and budget forecasting can easily be replaced with the
right algorithms, will receive pink slips. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Robots will refreshingly report the news as simply the facts
as they occurred and will replace our politically biased, agenda-fueled media
outlets.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Code will be written to ensure no crucial evidence goes
unnoticed or tampered with by robot law enforcement. Furthermore, our robot
attorneys, judges, and juries will be unfazed by personal opinion, race, client
wealth, criminal intimidation, or bribes. The truth of each case will be the
verdict that condemns or sets us free.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In short, our value in the workplace of the future is
expendable. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Industrial Revolution transformed us from a mostly
agrarian society into a nine-to-five, go to a job to participate in a
free-market, goods for services trade economy. Now, Humankind is fast
approaching another revolution. The next step in automation will create
unprecedented levels of leisure time for humans. The question is not “how will
we fill the time,” but rather, “how will we survive?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Imagine the life you could live while your government sponsored
robot works 24-hour shifts to provide income for you and your family. Imagine
the things you could do and the places you could see! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now (and this is the more likely scenario if we don’t make
changes) imagine the things you’ll have to do to survive when the corporations
who own the robots grow wealthier and wealthier while you struggle to find ways
to meet the basic needs of your family. You can’t get work; robots are more
efficient than you. So you’ll join the millions being given basic, government
level welfare to provide just enough for you to survive in misery until your
death. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We can’t let cognitive dissonance prevent us from making
real changes now. “It isn’t happening to me right now, therefore it isn’t
happening” cannot continue to be our mantra. We must take action to stave off
the dystopia to which our current path ultimately leads. This isn’t about
right, left, or center politics. This is about ensuring humankind flourishes as
we take the next step in our evolution. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Operating under the misconception this will never happen to us
will doom our children. Or our children’s children. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pastor Martin Niemoller was an outspoken foe of Adolf Hitler
who spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps. He is
perhaps most famous for the following quote: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak
out—<br />
Because I was not a Socialist.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak
out—<br />
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—<br />
Because I was not a Jew.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for
me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I sound like a socialist, chanting “robots for all!”
I’m no socialist. However, the robots are coming. It’s not my opinion, it’s our
reality. Robots are not to be feared, they have the power to make life
wonderful. Robots have no political opinions or goals. They only perform the
tasks for which they are programmed. The only thing that can destroy humanity
is our collective misguided support for those who would use those robots to
enslave us all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-58469215950934045072016-10-02T13:30:00.000-07:002016-12-14T08:48:41.796-08:00Throwing my Vote Away<div class="MsoNormal">
With apologies to my friends and family, I’ll be “throwing
my vote away” in 2016. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Spare me the morally deplorable cliché that I should simply
vote for the “lesser of two evils.” If our two options for president were Adolf
Hitler vs. Joseph Stalin, would anyone really dare utter that ridiculously
moronic phrase?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet I’m the one who is made to feel like a traitor when
I say I refuse to vote for either of the major party candidates this year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We ought to choose to be governed by moral men and women. Not
“moral” in the sense that they adhere to my particular moral code. I mean
“moral” in that they show any semblance of morality and decency expected from
one another in the social contract of living in a civilized society. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is no morality in the two primary candidates for
president. I’d write their names but I want to avoid nausea. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one should feel comfortable defending the ethics of these
reality show rejects, so it makes me wonder about the motives of those who
would even try. Somehow, those casting a “two party system” vote seem confident
in looking down their condescending nose at me with disdain while I express
non-partisan views. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The slogans upon which my friends base their political
support are laughable in the face of the choices we currently have for
president. And these slogans only work for as long as they can scare enough of
us to vote one way or another under threat of wasting our vote. Slogans like “Make
America Great Again”, “I’m with Her”, and of course, “bring an end to
Washington politics.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How can someone “Make America Great Again” without accusing
America of not being the greatest country on Earth? America is already great;
the real message is “Make America Straight/White/Christian/Male Again.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m with Her” is a direct rip-off of the popular “I’m with
Stupid” t-shirt campaign, so it’s not far off. Although, perhaps it should say
“I’m with Stupid, Lying, Deceitful, Incompetent.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally, candidates promise to “bring an end to Washington politics”
the same way I promise to cut back on Doritos. I know I don’t mean it; I just
fool myself into thinking if I say it out loud I can trick my body into
accidentally losing some weight. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The sad truth is this: In America, being in power is more
important than doing the right thing. We the people no longer have the power. We
live in a flawed system that rewards the wrongdoing of those we have entrusted
to govern, while punishing (for lesser crimes) we who have placed them in power.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
In November I will vote for neither of the two-party
candidates for president. They do not share my ideals, nor do they share the
ideals of anyone who believes in ethics, standards, or common decency. I may
write in the name of a person who is not even on the ballot, or I may vote for
one of the candidates whose third party efforts we’ve deemed laughable. By
doing so, I will gladly “throw my vote away” rather than live with the
soul-wrenching guilt of supporting the human equivalent of a morally destitute sack
of steaming fresh dog crap. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-5062861657439504612016-08-17T20:46:00.000-07:002016-12-14T08:47:25.950-08:00Better Leadership<div class="MsoNormal">
Who wants to discuss the tired old question “What makes a
great leader” for ten billionth time? Nobody! Instead, let’s talk about
followers. We are all followers in some sense, why do followers follow?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
French and Raven claimed power comes from (and therefore we
follow because of) five sources: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Reward Power- The person I follow has the power to provide
me with the money, praise, acknowledgment I desire. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Coercive Power- The person I follow has the authority to
discipline me if I don’t follow them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Legitimate Power- The person I follow has a title more “lofty”
than mine, and therefore I fall in line with the hierarchical infrastructure to
which I have agreed to adhere. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Expert Power- The person I follow has more knowledge or
expertise in a certain area or field, therefore I am obligated to trust and
follow them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Referent Power- The person I follow stands for an ideal for
which I can get behind, one I am proud to follow of my own free will and
choice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which of these sources of power can we develop? The first
three are equal across the board, based on peers at the same position. We can
work to develop the other types of sources of power. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Be the type of leader now that you want to be in the future.
Stand for something. People follow someone who believes passionately in what
they are doing. If you can’t get excited about your job, why should anyone
else? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Decide who you are, the type of person you want to be, and
be that. Live a sincere life. If that means you want to be an asshole, fine, be
that. But be it in a less altruistic or idealistic industry. Go work for
Comcast. If you feel you were built to help people and make a difference
instead of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>comparing dick sizes, then
find the work that allows you to pursue those ideals. Do something meaningful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stand for something more! Stop competing with others like
you and start competing with those who would bring misery to and defraud the
American people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">For Leaders, Remember
this: <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The way you feel about your staff will always be slightly
better than the way they feel about you. So you better love them, and hopefully
they will like and respect you. Start now. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Be what you want to be, want to be what you are best at, the
thing that makes you feel most fulfilled. Stop working toward the next
promotion and start working toward the thing you love the most. Money will
come, but your time, energy and effort is non-refundable. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can trust me, I'm an MBA. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-58705522074287578472016-05-01T08:36:00.000-07:002016-12-14T08:37:24.094-08:00Godlike Parenthood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC3Vu4F3ThnSlP8eqIn6hkdTn5JA60GzdImTkRHT2iucSd6p5Vuu9m9aVEx57dvf8xFr4vzXqi2a7o-zB7TFUz1io7cQz9eBNYfT7G3bxsKsCPObPcx79JUnmRHx5u45TR_ox9GWmfAdI/s1600/IMG_2019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC3Vu4F3ThnSlP8eqIn6hkdTn5JA60GzdImTkRHT2iucSd6p5Vuu9m9aVEx57dvf8xFr4vzXqi2a7o-zB7TFUz1io7cQz9eBNYfT7G3bxsKsCPObPcx79JUnmRHx5u45TR_ox9GWmfAdI/s1600/IMG_2019.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name…”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My motorcycle sold the same week my daughter was born. My wife, terrified of our new role as parents, was convinced I would be road kill and she’d be alone to raise our daughter. So I reluctantly put the bike on the market and had three full price offers before the week was through. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My daughter’s birth was also the catalyst of my personal faith crisis. Fitting that as the years rolled by, I would soon buy another bike and the time spent on the lonely road would give me the opportunity to explore my apostasy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll back up a bit. God is allegedly our father in heaven, a name he prefers. Clearly, parenthood is an important aspect in God’s eternal plan for our existence. Of the many names God is known by, the one he asks us to use when we address him in prayer is the name that speaks to his nature as a loving and attentive father. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I always went with those descriptions because up to that point I could only assume what parenthood was like. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember vividly a moment alone with my newborn daughter late that first night in the hospital. My wife, exhausted from a grueling labor process, was sleeping soundly. I held my tiny daughter in my arms, and felt an emotion that was as new and foreign to me as it was cliché. I knew then my child was the most important responsibility I would ever have. I vowed I would do whatever I could to protect her and ensure her opportunity to pursue happiness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The problem was, I had no idea how to be a father. Certainly I had good influences in my life. My father raised me to be a hardworking and honest man. But being the student of a great teacher does not automatically make one an equally superior teacher. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to figure out how to be the best father I could. A scripture I had read (and glossed over) many times began to needle its way deep into my brain. I read it often. The scripture comes from Jesus when he preached the Sermon on the Mount:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Matthew 7:7-11)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like that scripture because it speaks of a love I could never comprehend. A love so perfect, that men like me can only aspire to it. The scripture is only a few short verses, but it gives a blueprint for the type of parent I want to be. One who gives my children good gifts like confidence, education, and love. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before I knew the love a father could feel for his children, these scriptural verses were poetic but meaningless. My wife and I have since added two more children to our small family, and the same feelings of protector, provider, and parent accompany me as soon as I meet each new child. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I make no claim to being a perfect father. I often feel like I fall short. There are times I wish I spent more quality time with my kids. But I feel like I’ve given them a good life, and they know they are safe with me and I would never do them any harm. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps, then, you can understand my building confusion over the years over a god who speaks of such love and compassion but who seems so willing to murder and destroy his children. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The scriptures are filled with examples of man being commanded by god to murder others. Additionally, there are many stories of god himself committing mass murder and even genocide upon his so-called beloved children. I’ve been upset and disappointed in the actions of my kids before, but the carelessness and disregard for life displayed by our “father in heaven” is the attitude of a deranged sociopath. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not a perfect parent, but I have a hard time picturing a scenario where I would want my own children, who I love dearly, to be murdered for disobeying me. I am not god. I have better morals than that. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-32839841075103781302013-06-25T16:24:00.002-07:002013-06-25T16:28:03.988-07:00Doug Reviews 'Murica!<div class="MsoNormal">
Pretend for a moment America has an avatar that embodies all
the best things about this country. A living personification of our most deeply
held beliefs on duty, honesty, freedom, liberty, bravery, strength, justice,
and kindness. You are probably picturing someone like Superman or Captain
America. That’s good.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I want you to imagine that avatar has an evil twin.
This twin is certainly all things American, but instead of symbolizing all the
good about America, the evil twin displays everything wrong with our nation. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bad news, everyone. Evil twin actually exists. I sat next to
him at a poker table in Las Vegas last week. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He strolled arrogantly up to the table and sat down with a
smirk and an air of superiority unrivaled by…actually, you know what? I’m not
being fair here. Let me start over. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He rolled up arrogantly to the table, teetering atop his
overworked Rascal Scooter with a smirk and an air of superiority. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As he barked at the employee who was helping him move the
actual chair out of the way so he could park up close to the table, I took a
moment to lean back and get the full picture. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was shaped like a half-melted soft-serve cone, where
everything has sort of cascaded down and settled around the mouth of the
cone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His head was perfectly round, and
his pink face looked as if another, bigger face was trying to squeeze its way
out through the jowls and forehead. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His beady eyes looked out from behind enormous wire-rimmed
glasses and caught me staring. He smiled the smile of the third-grader who
thinks nobody noticed his fart. He reached out a Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man
hand and in a voice that sounded like bacon hitting a frying pan in the Deep
South, said “Hah! I’m Ran-deee.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did my best to shake hands without touching him, and
immediately brushed the sticky crumbs off my palms that he had somehow passed
to me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He had not been dealt two hands before he called a waitress
over and ordered (I kid you not) chicken fried steak and a strawberry
milkshake. This was sometime around midnight on a Tuesday. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While he waited for his food, Ran-deee lost a fairly big
hand. He flopped a set of three’s, and called the guy with Ace-King of diamonds
a “suck out” when the third diamond hit the board on the river (Quick
translation for my non poker-playing friends: this was Randeee’s way of letting
the table know he feels he is the only one who should be allowed to play poker,
because everyone else disrespects the game by beating him with what he views as
inferior cards).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Randee’s food came, and I began to notice he made a
disturbing little “HERP” sound every time he shoveled a new pile of chicken
fried steak and mashed potatoes into his mouth. I swear, it was as if his own
mouth was screaming “Halt!” in an effort to prevent the onslaught of incoming calories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Australian gentleman sitting across from me and Randee
was drinking a Red Bull energy drink. Upon discovering this, Randee felt
obligated to inform the Australian that studies have confirmed major health
risks associated with energy drinks. We all stared blankly at Randee the way
Mormon missionaries would look at Lindsey Lohan as she gave them tips to
staying sober. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An hour went by. Randee, sweaty and breathless from either
an unnoticed heart attack or the task of moving the milkshake from his tray to
his lips, pushed his chips all in with a straight. I called, feeling my full
house was probably good. It was. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Randee went from pink to red to purple. He had what appeared
to be a stroke, then slammed his cards to the table, accused me of being a “flippin
donkey!” and stormed off. To his credit, it is not an easy task to storm off
when you have to first back your scooter up and perform a five-point turn. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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As he whirred away, I couldn’t help but hear the words to
that sacred Lee Greenwood anthem, “…Cause there ain’t no doubt that I love this
laaaand, God bless the U.S.A!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanks Randee!<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-7987643069617951182013-06-20T14:25:00.002-07:002013-06-20T16:53:58.363-07:00Doug Reviews a Crappy Situation<div class="MsoNormal">
Louis CK does a comedy bit about the absurdity of people
complaining about their flights. He goes on to remind us that no one is
interested in the minor difficulties we experience while partaking of the
miracle of flight. Having said that, I think even the best stand up comedian
around would cut me some slack and let me tell about the flight I took
yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me explain. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The flight from Salt Lake City, Utah to Pocatello, Idaho is
only a short 50-minute hop. To make the journey, passengers are carefully stuffed
into what I call “Delta Minis.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tiny
planes that often force me to paraphrase a quote from Zoolander, “What is this,
a jet for ants!?!?! It needs to be at least…three times bigger!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was the last one to board. I know you are supposed to get
on the plane when they announce your specific boarding zone, but in situations
where it is assigned seating, I like to get on last and survey the plane for
the best available seat, not necessarily the one I’ve been assigned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This flight was no exception. As soon as I hunched over,
bent my knees, and duck walked onto the plane, I noticed the front solo seat
was empty, which I quickly remedied (front solo seat means each row is three
seats: two on one side of the aisle, and then a line of single seats).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was the last on board, so it wasn’t long before we were
air born. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Salt Lake was windy that day, with gusts up to 25 mph. But
Pocatello was even windier, and somewhere between the two we hit some major
turbulence. And so did my stomach. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was the kind of stomach trouble that brings on that
brief, sweaty panic that you may not be able to hold it, but then subsides in a
moment of instant relief. I figured I could hold it until we touched down, and
went back to reading my book. The last thing I want to do is take a 2 on this
itty-bitty plane that I wasn’t entirely sure even had a restroom. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few minutes went by, and another wave of discomfort washed
over me. But this wasn’t your typical wave. My body was telling my brain very
clearly, “I know you didn’t want this, but you will definitely be pooping on
this plane. I’ll give you 37 seconds to decide the best place to proceed.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Brushing aside a stern warning glare from the stewardessman,
I unbuckled and dashed to the back of the plane (Due to the high turbulence
factor, we had been asked to remain in our seats). I wedged myself into the
bathroom and tried unsuccessfully to close the door. Yeah, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">unsuccessfully</i>. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This might be a good time to remind my readers that I am
6’4” and 230 pounds when barefoot and naked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The bathrooms in this little Willy Wonka aircraft are made for someone
who is no taller than 4’11” and weighs no more than 72 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Clock ticking, I had to make an embarrassing decision. I
stepped out of the bathroom, turned my back to it, bent over and sort of backed
up over the toilet like I was backing a truck under a trailer hitch. A Mexican
guy looked over at me and we made brief eye contact before the front of the
plane quickly caught his attention.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was able to get my body hovering over the toilet, pull the
accordion doors shut and drop trough just in time to unleash hell. I’ll spare
you the details, but rest assured it was about as bad as it can get. Add to
that the knowledge that my fellow passengers could hear me banging around in there
as I smashed against the walls or hit my head on the door with every bump in
the sky.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Try to imagine yourself sitting in an outhouse in the sky.
Then, imagine God strolling up to that outhouse and deciding, just for the fun
of it, to grab the outhouse and shake it like a pop can) <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Despair began to sink in. There is no feeling more hopeless
than sitting on a toilet in the sky during rough turbulence, knowing that no
matter how strong your will, you are not going anywhere until your body says
so. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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In the depth of my despair, however, I found a gritty
resolve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the grim acceptance that
in the event of a crash, that spot was where they would find my remains. I
didn’t care if they landed the plane and deboarded, I was there until I was
done. It was a new state of enlightenment for me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Things got better. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things
weren’t that bad. I made my way back to the front of the plane, fellow
passengers averting their gaze, stewardessman looking past me, red with rage
and disgust. I didn’t care, I had learned an important lesson. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Sure, I hope I never see any of my fellow passengers again.
And yeah, Skywest probably won’t let me fly their airline again. But I learned
that life can get pretty crappy sometimes (of course I used that pun), but with
time it goes away. And over time, you forget about the bad times and simply end
up with nothing more than a funny story to tell. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-89980135520878935482013-06-03T14:27:00.003-07:002013-06-03T14:27:47.607-07:00Doug Reviews School Prayer<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately for you, I am a lazy and occasional
libertarian. Every once in a while, I feel inspired to offer my two cents
regarding the political operations of this wacky planet Earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The topic on a local news radio talk show this morning was
prayer in schools. In case you’ve been in a Turkish coma for the past few
decades, let me sum up: One group wants to make sure prayers to God in the name
of Jesus Christ are being said in schools. Another group would like to prevent
the saying of those prayers in state institutions, like schools and General
Motors. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since I belong to the group who supports prayer, I feel like
it is my responsibility to stand up for the group that does not. I count at
least two atheists among my group of very best friends in the world. Since I
know they are amazing people who live with a sense of morality I strive to
emulate, I’d like to use the next few paragraphs to defend their right to
“worship how, what, or where they may.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The radio host had written an Op-Ed piece about the
importance of prayer in school, and spent his time this morning really
emphasizing the soundness of his points. I’ll try to sum up his defense of
schools prayer through bullet points: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This
country was built on the common belief in a higher power-</b> And if we’ve
learned anything, it’s that the Founding Fathers were infallible geniuses,
could make no mistakes, and were all secretly Mormon. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
(Oh, and just a reminder, the country was established on the ideal that
people should have freedom from religion. Remember how in England they were
being forced to accept the church they didn’t believe, so they fled to find a
place where they could believe how they choose? It’s a similar story to the one
of the Mormons crossing the plains in search of a place where the government
did not dictate their religion to them.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
Anyway, the Founding Fathers debate has a lot of going back and forth
about their true, actual religious beliefs. So I’m gonna skip it. I will take a
minute to list a few things they might have got wrong: women’s right to vote,
black people counting as an actual whole human being, and fashion sense. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">People
who don’t like/believe in prayer should just get over it and sit quietly until
it’s over- </b>To be honest, I feel this way too. Because currently, the prayer
being offered lines up closely with my religion and therefore seems no big deal
to me. The problem is, I have no right to represent those who believe differently
than me.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
I do wonder, however, how I would
feel if I went to watch my daughter sing in a school assembly and they began by
laying out each child’s prayer mat, turned them toward Mecca and chanted
Islamic prayers while prostrating on the ground to kiss the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would I still sit quietly and “get over it”?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Probably not. I’d be nervous about
what creating and living under an Islamic state could mean to my Mormon family
and me. And that’s only because a few thousand Muslims give the other 1.4
Billion a bad name. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
I mean, it could be worse, I could
be a non-Christian in 1412 and been subjected to state sponsored disemboweling.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or I could have been an attractive young
woman in 1692 accused of <s>refusing to have sex with a married man </s>witchcraft
(After all, Exodus 22:18 does say “thou shalt not permit a witch to live”). <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I guess these thoughts gives me at
least enough insight to try some empathy. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Atheists
are simply jealous of the happiness religious people get from their beliefs”
(this was actually said by the radio guy today)- </b>Unfortunately, this is the
kind of thinking that gives us religious types a bad name. Atheists are no more
or less happy than Christians, just like guys named Paul or no more or less
handsome than guys named Steve. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
And if I could take it a step further, I would guess that a person who
makes this type of comment is reaching. Perhaps in an effort to mask their own
struggles with their faith, they would find something easy to which they can
attribute to religion. This morning’s version was “the happiness that comes
knowing we can see our families again after death.” <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 38.65pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
Yes, the one common denominator I’ve noticed in my atheist pals is that
they really hate their families and are always talking about how exciting it
will be at death to finally get rid of the bozos and cease to exist.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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Look, I don’t care what you believe. But this world is
filled with a lot of people, and if we each believe the world should conform to
the standards of our particular chosen religion, we will continue to see the
fruits of that battle. They lead to a world filled with hate, terrorism, torture,
war, rape, death and murder, all done in the name of my god being better at
being god than your god. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps we should all take the radio host’s advice and relax
a little bit, and if we are doing something in a setting paid for by the tax
dollars of the collective, we should try to show as little preferential
treatment to certain groups as possible. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-68575438508482413322013-05-02T22:07:00.002-07:002013-05-02T22:07:59.257-07:00Doug Reviews Jason Collins<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not going to try to format and edit this tonight. I’m a
blogger. Bloggers gotta blog. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Jason Collins came out this week, declaring he is both black
and gay. I already knew he was black, mostly because I spent years watching his
twin brother Jarron be not as good as I wished he would be playing for the Utah
Jazz. So figuring out the black part was easy for me, as it usually is easy to
tell when you see someone who chose to be black.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s not as easy to tell with someone who chose to be gay. I
mean, now that Jason Collins has been in enough men’s locker rooms to <i>decide</i> he is a gay man, will he start
running up and down the court with his palms out? Will he be sassy with snappy
one-liners in post-game interviews? Will he waive a huge Puerto Rican flag when
his team wins?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My guess is he probably won’t do those things, because he didn’t
decide to suddenly be gay. In fact, he probably <i>never</i> decided to be gay. You know how I know? <i>Because I never decided to be straight</i>. Sex with men never even
crossed my teenage mind as a potential option. To paraphrase a friend of mine, “If
you think being gay is a choice because at some point in life you had to make
that choice…you’re probably gay.” --JM<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone I consider a great friend shared this image with me:
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5MNJFRD7rQk9UN6j-Bd4aGkS5BvTeddrpErqga1MoX9RbedhoZ-DH4zH6YTw9TWbrVICoC-9cGhZ9iJu2hvVrb2_Bq20lz0wli1a2hG3k6pUWt5GqawtR9101zuPYuJZK4dpAfTMb1uc/s1600/Tebow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5MNJFRD7rQk9UN6j-Bd4aGkS5BvTeddrpErqga1MoX9RbedhoZ-DH4zH6YTw9TWbrVICoC-9cGhZ9iJu2hvVrb2_Bq20lz0wli1a2hG3k6pUWt5GqawtR9101zuPYuJZK4dpAfTMb1uc/s1600/Tebow.jpg" height="297" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, this was not actually tweeted by Tim Tebow. It is a
phony Twitter account that has been picked up by the anti-gay movement as a way
to complain about the totally unfair way Christians are persecuted in this
country while “the gays” meanwhile, are throwing their gayness in our face
everywhere we look.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a problem with this tweet. Tim Tebow is about 3
billion times more famous than Jason Collins, and EVERYONE knows Tim Tebow is
super Christian. You know how we know? Because he puts his Christianity on
display every chance he gets. He puts bible verses on his eye patch. He quotes
the bible in press conference interviews. He gets endorsement gigs based on his
faith. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most importantly, let’s not forget his public prayers. The
image of Tebow kneeling in prayer has become so common, “Tebowing’ became a thing.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There was once a guy who was almost as righteous as Tim Tebow.
One day, he was giving a talk to some of his followers while they sat on a
hillside. Speaking on the subject of prayer, he said: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">hypocrites</span> are: for
they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets,
that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="" name="6"><br /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="" name="6"> </a>But thou, when thou prayest, enter into
thy <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">closet</span>,
and when thou hast <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">shut</span> thy
door, <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">pray</span> to
thy Father which is in <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">secret</span>; and thy
Father which <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">seeth</span> in
secret shall <span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">reward</span> thee
openly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s no Shakespeare,
but I think it’s pretty good stuff (just make sure that when you finish praying
in your closet, you don’t accidentally come out of the closet).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, the tweet above is probably true. If Jason Collins plans
to prance to center court before every game to make out with his boyfriend, and
thanks his gay friends every time he scores a basket, and tells the media that
being gay is what helped him win each game, yeah, we’re all going to get a
little fed up hearing about his being gay. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Secondly, Jason Collins IS a hero. Just like Jackie Robinson
was the first black man in baseball, Jason Collins is the first openly gay athlete
in a major sport. Hopefully, his actions will inspire other closeted athletes
to come out without fear of what it might do to their careers. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, Collins is not the superstar Jackie Robinson was. No,
there is no rule prohibiting gays in major sports. But let’s face it; this is a
big story because of the step forward in society it could represent. It could
lead to more tolerant adults, and tolerant adults trickle down to tolerant
children. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My father taught me an important lesson growing up. My dad
and I share a passion for the music of Elton John. I knew growing up that Elton
John was gay. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew it didn’t matter.
As long as the stereo in my dad’s old Datsun pickup kept cranking out <i>Tiny Dancer, Candle in the Wind, I Guess
That’s Why They Call it the Blues, Rocketman, Daniel, Levon, The One, Don’t Go
Breaking My Heart, and Pinball Wizard, </i>we didn’t care about the gay thing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that’s how it’s got to be in sports. Sports can lead the
way. I have a dream that one day, my three children will be judged not for
their sexual orientation, but by the measure of their vertical leap. And on that day, we will all join hands and
sing together in that homosexual spiritual, “Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow
Connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me!” <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-41495543993747520672013-04-30T12:04:00.002-07:002013-04-30T12:04:31.041-07:00The Pitfalls of a Perfect Life
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I overheard someone use the term “A case of the Mondays.”
Another person, when I asked them how they were doing, responded, “It’s Monday,”
and expected me to think that was an actual answer to my question. I notice
more and more how unhappy people are in their jobs and in their lives. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sometimes I wonder if there are other people who experience
life the same way I do. I highly recommend anyone looking for a way to be happy
and content to adopt my style of living. I feel an almost constant flow of
satisfaction with my place in creation. It is highly fulfilling<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">. If you’d like more information on how to
feel enlightened, send me a personal email. </b>It’s pretty amazing. I’m not
going to give you the whole entire “how to” on awesome living here on the blog.
What I will do, is tell you the things to avoid that will throw you off of Doug’s
path to Nirvana. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Unlike most religions, there are only three major challenges
or pitfalls you will face when you take on Doug-like living. In the spirit of
full disclosure, here are those challenges you’ll face:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Give a Penny;
Take a Penny</b>- Perfect concept. Helps me make exact change when I’m short, and
gives me a place to unload small coins so I don’t have a bunch a pennies
jingling around in my pockets all day. <br />
<br />
If that was all there was to the system, it would be near perfect. But until we
have robot cashiers, there will always be a glitch in the give a penny, take a
penny system. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">a.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Give a
Penny</b>- When the cashier hands me my change, I immediately sift through it
to separate any pennies. I then locate the tray and discard the copper. <br />
<br />
That’s when things get awkward. Inevitably, in our customer service world, the
cashier’s instinct is to thank me. While that is nice of them, it is improper
context for gratitude. I cannot, in good conscience, accept their thanks. I
mean, it’s not like I’m giving the loose change to them as some sort of tip or
something. So now, not only do I not know how to respond, I also feel unnecessarily
guilty for not leaving them a tip, which, admittedly, would be out of place for
a $1.89 transaction at a convenience store, but the thought is still there, giving
me anxiety. <br />
<br />
Really, I should be thanking them for providing a receptacle for my unwanted
loose change. Upon receiving the thanks, I turn red and go into one of those
responses meant to deflect the thanks, but these responses for me are never
very smooth. They seem to contain just a few too many words to make any sense,
and then I feel obligated to stay and explain myself. The explanation never
fails to confuse and slightly annoy the cashier. And if there is a line behind
me, it’s worse because I talk faster, make less sense, and feel even more
awkward. <br />
<br />
Finally, every now and then I’ll accidentally slip a dime into the tray. Well,
now the dilemma. I don’t want to be giving up my dimes, but everyone looks at
me like I’m a total scumbag when I try to “steal” my dime back from the tray. I
usually just end up leaving the dime for fear of the judging eyes all around
me. The only problem with leaving the dime is then the cycle begins again, and
the cashier feels obligated to take the “thank you’s” up a notch because now
mister big shot is leaving dimes. I can see it in their eyes, “Just like the
rich, treating dimes the way the rest of us treat pennies. You disgust me!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For me, at the point that I accidentally throw a dime in the tray, I look
up at the cashier when they say thanks, I say sorry, and we both break eye
contact, confused. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">b.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Take a Penny- This side of the transaction is a
little less stressful, but can be equally challenging. First of all, occasionally
you get the cashier who looks disgusted at you for abusing the system, as if
you are actually holding a gun and yelling “stick ‘em up!” then taking money
from their secret stash set aside for their children’s college fund. <br />
<br />
More importantly, there needs to be some sort of unwritten rule that we all
know about how many pennies you can take from the tray. I’ll admit it; I have
totally taken advantage of the system. If my total is $2.09, I will hand over a
five dollar bill and then search through the penny tray in hopes of nine pennies
(or better yet, four pennies and a nickel some rich a-hole left in there).<br />
<br />
I realize by doing this, though, I am exploiting the system. If I clean out the
tray, the poor sucker behind me is left helpless and will have to end up
breaking a bill and the whole cycle begins again. <br />
<br />
I propose a three-coin max on the take a penny side of the aisle. If you can
reach your total with any combination of three coins, more power to you. If it takes
more than three coins you’ll just have to break the bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tip Lines- </b>Have you ever looked down at
your debit card pay slip at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop and been surprised
to find a line for adding a tip? This is always the most confusing moment of my
day. The appeal of these frozen yogurt shops is that I get to do all the work.
I get to load my jug with as much cake batter frozen yogurt as physics will
allow. I get to pile gummy bears and cookie dough chunks like I’m playing
Jenga. I get to drench the whole concoction in chocolate sauce. <br />
<br />
So when I bring my creation to the scale and delicately hand my card over to
the overly bubbly teenager whose eyes get bigger as the scale reaches weights
reserved for small dogs and newborns, what exactly am I tipping her for? She’s
done nothing. <br />
<br />
Here’s the kicker: I can’t not tip. I have a buddy that will draw one of those
angry zeros with a line through them in the tip space, and I admire him for it.
But I can’t do it. Nor can I tip something like a dollar for fear that the
teenager will think I’m a cheap, patronizing douche. So now, I’m tipping
something like 25% just so I don’t worry about the tip thing for the rest of
the night. <br />
<br />
Small business owners of America. Please, get rid of those unnecessary tip
lines on the credit card receipt!<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Just Pick them Off”- </b>This occurs more
frequently than you would imagine, and it is infuriating. Let’s say you love
olives. You and I want to order a pizza, and you suggest olives. I then tell
you I don’t like olives. When you respond, “Oh, you can just pick them off” it
is very dickish. You are saying that because you like olives, picking through
one’s food to remove olives doesn’t sound like a big deal, because for you, you
don’t mind the taste residue that olives leave behind. <br />
<br />
Let me explain something to you. YOU ARE AN INCONSIDERATE BUTTHOLE. Just because
you like something, doesn’t mean the whole world is stupid if they don’t like
it, too. And the other thing, trying to talk me into liking something is equally
infuriating. Look, I don’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> to
not like certain foods, my tongue just tells me which ones are good and which
ones are no good. Why are you trying to diminish my good times by trying to
force me to eat food you think I should like?<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></b><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve never understood that level of narcissism. “I like a thing and if the
people I’m with don’t like it, tough. They can either get over it or starve.”
Just so you know, I choose starve in every one of those scenarios, and it just
makes me feel like I am completely unimportant and worthless in your eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Furthermore, when I do choose starve as my
option because you refuse to compromise, I don’t even make a big deal of it. So
it is always unsettling when you omnivores then decide to make a big deal out
of it and make me feel like I’m the rude one for not eating what you prepared.
Stop being personally offended that I don’t like olives on my pizza, as if it
is a personal affront to you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That’s it. Those are the three challenges that can throw an
obstacle in your path to enlightenment. Avoid these three social situations,
and you, too, can enjoy Doug-style living. A life of carefree wonder and
excitement. Gone will be the days of Sunday Night Blues or “Having a Case of
the Mondays.” You’ll love your job, you’ll love your friends and family, and most
importantly, you’ll love life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-55862326912624814312013-02-19T23:15:00.000-08:002013-02-20T11:16:18.030-08:00More Complaints about Reality TV<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had an interesting first today. During my appointment with
the doctor, for the first time in my life I heard the phrase “possibly cancer.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Keep reading, mom. Don’t anyone go buy me a yellow bracelet just
yet. I doubt I have cancer. But the doctor saw something that was odd enough
that for liability reasons he wants to do some additional tests. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Still, hearing the word “cancer” from a doctor is not good
times. It made me feel like the time in high school when my dad had to ask me
if we needed to have a talk about what is appropriate to look at on the
internet. When the doctor said it, I felt like I had been caught doing
something wrong or at least embarrassing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I immediately decided that I wouldn’t tell my wife about it,
because she would worry more than is necessary. Without getting into too much
detail, what the doctor found is completely fixable, cancer or not. I don’t
want my wife to worry for a few reasons:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m still young enough that I maintain my
Superman complex. Nothing can really hurt me, because I am a strong young man,
plus I have three kids, so I have “dad strength” as well. Untouchable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">By the time I am old enough to really worry
about cancer, science will have discovered a cure for cancer. Do you worry
about polio? No? Well, a hundred years ago polio was much scarier than cancer
is today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Most importantly, even if I do have some small
form of cancer, I have the insurance, support system, and general healthiness to
treat it and be fine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The point is, I’ll be fine. I would never compare the
nervousness I felt for a moment in the doctor’s office to any real challenge
that most humans face in their lives. We would do well to settle down with the “look
at me!” drama of our own lives and instead be grateful for how amazing everything
is. We can do better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyway, despite that long introduction, this post is not
about me. This blog is about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Bachelor</i>,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">American Idol</i>, and all the other
reality TV contests that fabricate or exaggerate dramatic sob stories to make
their contestants seem interesting. These shows are destroying the sensibility of
millions of Americans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I understand that last sentence might seem like hyperbole,
but let me provide a couple of examples from just the past week or so that
prove my point (If you are wondering how I can be so hypocritical and still
sleep at night, just remember that my wife likes the shows I am about to
mention. Since I like her, I put up with the shows, too).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This was said by a tearful Desiree, a beautiful 26 year old
woman who had just been dumped on TV by a guy who has been openly making out
with at least 5 other women. Not only did the break up completely shock
Desiree, it also apparently destroyed her life! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Look at that statement in bold above. Sean, the current “Bachelor,”
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>selecting her to be his future
former TV romance partner, has ruined all the plans for her life. It is
ludicrous for a gorgeous 26-year old woman who was on a TV show to feel this
way. And yet, all across America, millions of women said exactly what my wife
said while Des sobbed in the limo, “Awe, that’s too bad. I liked Des, she was
so cute and normal.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">GOING ON A TV SHOW TO WIN A “WHO CAN MAKE A GUY LIKE THEM
THE MOST” CONTEST IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE NORMAL!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I just don’t understand how they can just destroy a person’s dreams
like that. I mean, this is my dream; I’ve worked so hard and made it so far. I deserve
to be a star.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the talentless losers kicked off <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">American Idol</i> last week gave us this beauty in her parting
testimonial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The narcissism evident in
most of the contestants on this program borders on breathtaking. It used to be
a fairly entertaining talent show. Now it’s simply a freak show of desperate weirdoes
who will do anything for a mere taste of fame. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When did we get here? When did this insatiable need for fame
eclipse the concept of adding value to the world and doing something that
matters? Can you imagine what would happen if the same number of people that
tried out for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">American Idol, The Voice, </i>or<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> X Factor</i> put the same time, effort and
passion into studying medicine or engineering? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Most people can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sort
of </i>sing. But the ones who actually make it in the music industry can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> sing. Wanting to be famous and
loved by millions for doing as little as possible is an epidemic in this
country. Where are the friends and parents to tell these delusional divas, “I
love you, but you can’t sing.”? Just because someone can sort of hold a tune,
does not mean they understand the part about music that moves people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let me provide an example within my example. You may have
noticed the recent popularity on these shows of the Gotye song “Somebody that I
Used to Know.” Everyone wants to sing it because it has that hypnotic beat and
those big notes leading up to and in the chorus. Tempting for someone trying to
show off their range, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But here’s the thing about that song: The phrasing is
important because it is syncopated with that beat everyone loves. You have to
know the words, and you can’t take a lot of liberties to throw in a few vocal
runs or it ruins the pace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Secondly, and I’m going to pick on the girls here, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Somebody </i>is NOT a sexy song. It is a
duet that explores the lingering feelings for a past flame while trying to stay
faithful in a current relationship. It is a confused couple trying to salvage a
relationship while one of them is still hung up on a post break up relationship
with a former girlfriend. It’s the George Costanza anthem. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If I see one more teenaged girl trying to sexify the song by
awkwardly cat-walking across the stage with the sleeveless shoulder shrugs and
the smoldering gaze I will cry genuine Native American tears. Listen to the
effing words of the song and stop hiding your crippling insecurity by dressing
like the stripper version of Stevie Nicks, ladies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I’m thinking about getting some plastic surgery today. We’ll see.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This was said on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Real
Housewives of Who the Hell Cares? </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can’t provide any further information into this seemingly huge decision made as
if she was buying laundry detergent because as soon as I heard that line I
jumped out our second floor window. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve pretty much rambled in this post, but I think my point
is that life is amazing. We spend too much time buying into these “First World Problems”
or Reality Show problems and we become soft and unbearable, unable to identify
what really matters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So tonight I’ll go home and spend a little extra time with
my daughters. If they want to play “Disney Dress Up” or “Mom and Honey” then I’m
up for it. I’ll give them big hugs and remind them how much their dad loves
them. But I won’t do it because of the doctor appointment this morning; I’ll do
it because I don’t want them to end up on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Bachelor. </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-71214636288481550452013-02-10T22:27:00.001-08:002013-02-10T22:27:19.887-08:00Doug Reviews Art<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m watching the Grammy’s right now. Earlier, the band
called Fun won the award for “Best Song,” (the overplayed “We Are Young.”)
Before that, they performed a new song where they got really into it as rain fell
on them from above. They got totally soaked as they pranced around the stage in
their hipster outfits. It was very geeky and cliché and lame. I like these
guys.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To me, art is the thing you do after the bills are paid.
There is no doubt in my mind the guys from Fun would do what they do regardless
of the rich and famous and winning Grammy’s thing. Their music is obviously
their attempt at sharing their interpretation of life. I dig it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then along comes Justin Timberlake, the white falsetto
Godzilla. He storms onto the Grammy stage and we citizens of Earth do our best impression
of terrified Japanese people fleeing the city. Justin Timberlake was put on the
planet to entertain humans. All women freely confess their preferential love
for him. I had a friend once tell me Justin Timberlake is the only human he wouldn’t
trust his wife to be alone with for any amount of time, and he is dead on. If JT
had a live show where all he did was fart into an empty Sprite can, my wife
would max out our credit card with the hope that she would be selected from the
crowd to go onstage and hold the can. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For us men it has to be more subtle, though. What we can’t admit is that we all have a crush
on him, too. Remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is dating Tony the “mimbo?”
Well, Timberlake is Tony and the rest of us are just a bunch of starry-eyed
Costanza’s, staring longingly at our man-crush and trying to copy his every
move. Screw you, Timberlake, I just can’t stay mad at you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys got to the stage, I had
to set fire to the piano in our home and smash my guitar against the burning
ivories. Musicians are so amazing; It is a travesty for me to even own those
instruments. It made me ashamed of everything I’ve ever done because there are
people out there that get it more than I ever could, express it better than I
could ever dream, and work at harder than I would ever be willing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Grammy’s should be our Reality TV. I am so tired of the
time, attention, money and resources we all spend on the nightly “I desperately
want to be famous” show. Catty women fighting each other for camera time and
the possibility of showing up on the cover of US Weekly should disgust us, not
be our favorite show. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Sorry, I’m pausing right now from typing anything because
the Black Keys are using their awesomeness to force me into watching them
perform).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m back. Art is happening tonight. And the thing about real
art is, it touches us and inspires us and helps us remember a million moments
in our own lives that made a difference. Art is a shared experience privately
enjoyed. Art is not the Real Housewives of Phase 3 at Del Boca Vista fighting
over who has more shiny friends. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(Brilliant! Bruno Mars just brought Sting onstage to acknowledge
the fact that his new song ‘Locked Out of Heaven” is an intentionally Sting
sounding song. I love this song, by the way).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guess we all have to pay the bills. I’m lucky; I love what
I do to make money. Others don’t, but I firmly believe they can. You may find yourself
among the 99% of the population who does not do what they love all day every
day for money. If you can’t do what you love, though, you can certainly love
what you do. You can find passion and nobility in your current job.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But loving what we do for work isn’t art. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Art is much more important than that. Successful artistic
expression is not measured by the zeros in your bank account, the number of US
Weekly covers you’ve made, or the hordes of screaming fans. Art is measured by demonstrations
of honesty and the truth as you see it. Art is what you do after the bills are
paid. And the truth is…my only artistic expression lately is in the sexy ways I
pose on the couch for my wife as we watch our shows. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, the
Beastie Boys. They all fought bravely for my right to party. And I’m just
sitting here. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What should I do?<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-57898212721163220742013-02-04T21:17:00.001-08:002013-02-04T21:53:53.471-08:00Forgiveness: Part II<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>There are people in
your life who’ve come and gone. They let you down and hurt your pride.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Better put it all
behind you; life goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you inside.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I’ve been trying to
get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And my thoughts seem
to scatter, but I think it’s about forgiveness.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Forgiveness, even if…even
if you don’t love me anymore. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Don Henley, <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xezg3z5IE8I" target="_blank">Heart ofthe Matter</a><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my last post, I wrote about our potential for forgiveness.
I explained a method I read about that included—you know what? I’m not going to
rehash it. If you want to know about how the process works, scroll your
lazy fingers down three inches and you can read my previous post. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I wrote the first letter and addressed it to the person I’ve
been convinced owed me some major apologies. I unleashed some emotions I’ve
held in and tried to pretend didn’t exist. I went so nuts, I decided against my original plan to post the letter here. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I waited two days. Then I set up a throwaway email account in this
person’s name (stalker) and wrote a letter of apology back to myself. I thought I
would write all the things this person owes me, complete with him down on
figurative knee, begging for my forgiveness. But it didn’t happen that way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The letter started out pretty strong, and I created a
pretty douchey persona for this guy. But after about four sentences I ran out of ways to self-deprecate the dude. What happened next surprised me. I started thinking
from this his point of view, and it got harder and harder for me to keep
justifying all the apologies. I started to empathize with my nemesis and
understand where he was coming from. Horrible!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put an electronic signature for this person at the bottom of the email and actually
emailed it to my email address. Yeah, I did that. Who sounds like the
psychopath now?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I waited two more days, and pulled up the email to read it.
Even though I knew I wrote it, even though I knew it was all a hoax, and even
though it was totally written in my style…I was fooled. It made me more
emotional than I anticipated. And here’s the Oprah Winfrey moment: my animosity
was fading. I tried to make the anger and hate come, but they wouldn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe that’s what life is about. Too often we get
caught up in spending our lives worrying about what we should <i>not</i> do, and spend more of our time focusing
on what we can become. Every day should be spent doing quadruple backflips and
shouting for joy that the sun didn’t explode and we have just the right mix of
oxygen and nitrogen in Earth's atmosphere. Each person is just as fleeting and insignificant as I am,
and therefore, just as valuable, fragile and worthwhile. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How can I leave any room in my life for something as useless
as enmity toward others? Doesn’t it seem accurate that this has been
weighing much heavier on me than it ever did on my so-called offender? He doesn’t
deserve my hostility, and I don’t need those feelings cluttering up my good
times. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The trick worked, I forgave the person whose actions have been eating away at my inside's for years. And yet now I wonder, who really needs that forgiveness, me or him? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some people believe we are here to be more like God. Some believe
we are on an eternal journey to achieve perfect balance and harmony with the
universe. Others simply believe we should do our best to develop perfect
humanity during this brief life before we fade to stardust. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alexander Pope said forgiveness is divine. I don’t know, but
I think Henley said it even better. The ability to forgive even after we’ve all
moved on and it doesn’t matter and the feelings are gone. Forgiveness, even if
you don’t love me anymore. Now <i>that</i>
is divine. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-55868313379756317482013-01-28T22:31:00.003-08:002013-01-28T22:31:28.105-08:00Forgiveness<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m trying to live a life in harmony with my universe. I
believe negative thoughts and feelings toward an individual are damaging to my
happiness, and I swear I’m trying. But you don’t gain enlightenment in a day,
and some injuries hurt longer than others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a person in my history with whom I am struggling to
find peace. I don’t see or talk to this person anymore, but the impact this
person has had on my life, and the way they make me feel about myself, remains.
I’ve tried the standard stuff: reframing, putting myself in their shoes,
speaking kindly of the person while others disparaged…even praying for their
success. Nothing works.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I read online recently about an exercise therapists use to
treat patients struggling to forgive. I don’t know that this person is
necessarily in need of my forgiveness, but I’ll try anything to pass this
nagging pit of animosity I feel. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Basically, the project involves writing a letter to the
person. Write all of your feelings, holding nothing back. Let the anger and frustration
flow. After writing the letter (don’t send it), write a response to the letter
from your enemy. Write all the things you want them to say. All the things you
know they never would say. Then sign their name to it and read it back to
yourself. Evidently, this tricks your brain into forgiving the person for the
wrongs you have felt by their hand. Even though you know the plan, you know
they didn’t write it, and you know they wouldn’t have sent it…somehow, your
brain lets go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sounds like something a girl from the Bachelorette would do
from the limo after being kicked off the show. But I’ll try anything. So I’m
going to do it here on the blog. Obviously, I will change the name to protect
the innocent. Mom, if you’re reading this, stop here. I might use language
unbecoming of an Eagle Scout.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whoa. It was way worse than I thought it would be when I
started. Sorry, but there is just no good reason for me to post this letter for
the public to see. I’ll wait a day or two and write a letter back to myself,
and then I’ll report back. Just know this: reading through what I just wrote to
this person…man, I got rid of a lot of emotions. Also, by writing it, I
discovered that I am a huge dick and might be the problem here. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-34426846465574947142013-01-22T15:48:00.002-08:002013-01-22T15:48:54.479-08:00Doug Reviews the Future
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I saw the new Total Recall movie last night and it got me
thinking about the future. I’m worried about the future. Let me clarify. I’m
not worried about the actual future; I’m worried about the future as portrayed
by entertainment (For a review of Total Recall here goes: Not nearly as good as
the Arnold version, but with better special effects and hotter women). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, back to the future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It seems like all the entertainment we have points to a
bleak and disastrous time where overcrowding, pollution, and robots have
created a dark and dystopian existence for our grandchildren’s grandchildren. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Based on Hollywood, here’s what we know about the future:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s not enough room<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Class systems are out of control<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Robots roam the streets with guns<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Pollution has blotted out the sun<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Misinformation and fear tactics rule the day,
and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A wicked, power hungry white man is behind it
all<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">To me, this permeating acceptance that things will
definitely get worse is indicative not of actual data and facts and historical
trends. Instead, I find it revealing into the psyche and subculture of the
people responsible for entertaining us. Allow me to address each topic:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">There’s not enough
room-</b> The world is getting too populated, right? Well, yes, but not as quickly
as it once was. In 1890, the average number of people in a household was 4.9.
In 2006, that average had dropped nearly in half to 2.57. Certainly we can
factor in the rising number of single parent households, but for the drop to be
significant enough to catch up to the data, nearly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every </i>household would need to be a single parent household. Considering
the average population per household has dropped drastically in the last hundred
years, I predict population rates will continue to rise, but even more slowly
in the future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, admittedly, we live in much more 1) peaceful and 2)
healthy world than existed even one hundred years ago. Peace is bad for retirement
because it sends the average survival rate and life expectancy numbers soaring.
Especially since my generation is funding the retirement of the Baby Boomer
generation. This fact actually serves as a counter argument to the
overpopulation threat. There are less of us now than there were of you Baby
Boomers then, and now we are responsible for financing your retirement at age
63.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The price my generation pays for peace, smart bombs and technological
warfare is a longer wait in the age of retirement line. More and more of my tax
dollars go toward funding social security (I’m not interested in discussing the
politics of Social Security, I’m happy to pay what I should). Without a major
war to thin the herd a bit, though, Baby Boomers are retiring now and living
longer than expected. With steady population growth and the extension of life,
I’ll be working into my mid 70’s before I am even considered old enough to retire
with full benefits. Not enough room for us all? Jeez , there’s too much room. Just
like none of us will tell an old guy to stop talking and get out of our office,
neither are we willing to tell the old folks to get busy dying and get out of
our finances. Why would they? There’s plenty of room. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Class Systems are Out
of Control- </b>While you may be able to find some isolated examples in the
world, you’d be hard pressed to convince me class warfare is worse today than
it was at any previous point in history. I am not making the claim that class
systems do not exist. What I am claiming is that things are better now than
they ever have been in all of history. Why would I assume then, that things 300
years from now will be worse? I firmly believe that anyone painting a picture
of the future as being worse than the present is trying to sell you something
or trying to convert you to something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Robots Roam the
Streets with Guns-</b> Don’t robots already rule the Earth? Right now, I am
typing a series of very simple commands into a pile of silicone and plastic
that sends various electrical currents through tiny gold wires. Somehow, a tiny
robot takes all the commands I type and displays them on the screen the way I
have asked it to. Then, this robot sends a message to all his robot friends and
they display it on your iPad, Droid Phone, laptop or TV screen in the manner
you’ve chosen. This is a miracle. We should spend all day, every day running
around in the street shouting “holy crap! Come see what my little robot can do!”
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Robots hold every key piece of information about you that
ever existed. In one swoop, they could wipe out your debt, your birth records,
your work history, and your medical needs. They don’t do this, because no one
ever tells them to do it (even if we might like them to forgive the debt).
Robots are our friends and the most amazing thing to ever happen to planet
Earth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Meanwhile, we panic at the idea of humanizing robots. We
tend to think that machines that process information based on a series of ones
and zeroes may, at some point, become as irrational as humans and start exercising
their superiority over us. What a stupid fear. The robots are already in
control, and they are more logical than they are. What would they gain by
rocking the boat and somehow attempting to assert their dominance? They already
won the battle, why start a war? If the robots weren’t perfectly happy with the
current arrangement (along with the positive forecast for the future of robot
jobs), they certainly wouldn’t allow me to continue writing about this topic.
Right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I could write more about this point, but I…just…don’t…want…to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Pollution will blot
out the sun-</b> It’s as if in the movie future, fossil fuel emissions and
factory waste spin out of control. But hold on a minute, statistics show we
have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reduced </i>harmful emissions at
most every level. What changes? Why do we revert back to primitive technology
in the future? Your answer has got to be better than, “We get a Republican in
the White House and everything goes to shit.” Actually, I fear there are some
who are so wrapped up in winning the political fight that they believe that answer
plays for any of the problems the future may hold. But here’s the thing I want
my liberal friends to remember: We are more liberal now than we ever have been,
and the same holds true for the future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(To my conservative friends: Sometimes, the left is
justified in doubting your intentions. This is especially true when you use
tired old slogans and selective memory to hearken back to an imaginary time
when Ronald Reagan ruled us to a state of perfection. Ronald Reagan is not the
answer to the current economic crises.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Actually, this takes me to the last two categories of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Misinformation and Fear Tactics Rule the
Day, </b>and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A Wicked, Power-Hungry
White Man is Behind it All. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Where are all these super criminals? At least in the US, we
have a pretty failsafe system to prevent a Hitler type from rising up. And
again, spare me the comparisons of Bush/Obama/2016 President to Adolf Hitler.
It just makes you sound like whatever you call the nut-job equivalent of the
other side of the political aisle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The idea of these wicked men rising through the ranks is
once again a topic easily dismissed when looking at history. If you go back in
time fifty years, you might find a handful of senators fighting for Civil
Rights for non-whites, but you wouldn’t find a single member of any of the US
legislatives branches fighting for gay marriage. Now most of them support gay
rights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Fifty years before that, you might find some interested in
promoting women’s rights, but you wouldn’t find anyone fighting for equality
among the races. And then the Civil Rights Movement changed all that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go back fifty more years? Wow, cars haven’t
been invented, muskets are the war time weapon of choice and slavery is waiting
on Abe Lincoln. The women’s suffrage movement barely has a sniff of what is to
come. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So what will happen in the next 50 years? How about the next
100? 150? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ll tell you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Life will get better with each passing year. Technology will
allow for people to live longer and more comfortably. As technology improves,
it will create more jobs and better retirement opportunities for us all. Man
will continue to evolve and civilize himself. We will look back on our past and
the view will be of a primitive, dim-witted, war-like people. Murder rates will
decline, poverty will decrease, and nations will come together to share
breakthroughs in medicine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">John Lennon was a drug addicted, wife beating relic who
would be shunned in today’s more enlightened culture (Or maybe not. After all,
Chris Brown still has a job). Lennon may have said it best when he professed
that one day…the world would live as one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, and 4-D TV, for sure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-46565383270714560672013-01-03T15:46:00.001-08:002013-01-03T15:46:13.275-08:00Doug Reveiws Holiday Movies: Part 1
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The first thing you need to know before we proceed is that I
am unapologetically and unashamedly gay for musicals. I love them. I love the
pageantry, the dancing, and most of all, I am a sucker for the music. I have
always secretly said to myself “Every message is better when delivered through
song.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I can prove it. Let’s put my theory to a test:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Example 1<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Boss: “You’re fired. Clean out your desk and get out of
here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Now, that same
message through song</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (to the tune of “I
Feel Pretty” from West Side Story)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Boss: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“You are
fired! Oh so fired, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You are
fired, I hired a dud!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And I’m
tired, of you dragging our brand through the mud.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Example 2 <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor: “I’m sorry to inform you that your wife has cancer.
She has 3-6 months to live.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Now, that same
message through song</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (to the tune “Little
People” from Les Miserables)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor: “It looks like she has cancer but it isn’t that bad,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’ve still
got six months with her so you shouldn’t be sad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So just
be glad the cancer isn’t contagious too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Cause
cancer would be much worse if it happened to you.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Example 3<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Daughter: “Dad, I’m pregnant. There is no way of knowing who
the father is. Since I’m only 15, will you raise the child?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Now, that same
message through song (</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to the tune of “Circle
of Life” from The Lion King)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Daughter: “AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am knocked up, and I
dooooon’t know the dad! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(Ooooooh who is
that son?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am knocked
up, and I thiiiiiiiiiink I’m too young! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(Ooooooh won’t
this be fun?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You’re the father even though you’re
grandpa…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You’re the father even though you’re
grandpa…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You’re the father even though you’re
grandpa…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">See? I think I’m right. So it is totally manly and awesome
how much I love musicals. And show me a better musical than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Les Miserables</i>. You can’t! I dare you to
try. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been listening to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Les</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Miserables</i> soundtrack
since my parents stole the original London recording from my grandma’s house
when I was nine. I literally have every line of every part memorized. If I had
any shred of a singing voice, I could be the understudy for every member of the
cast, male or female, young or old. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is safe to say I had pretty lofty expectations going into
the movie version of the musical. So let’s just get this part out of the way
and I’ll tell you that I loved it. I walked out of the theater crying like the
leading lady in a Mexican Soap Opera. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The thing with Les Miz (as we theater fags call it), there
are no “filler songs.” There’s nowhere to hide and sort of collect yourself
between big numbers. Every single song is a mother effin Blockbuster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The cast is good. Wolverine does an excellent job as Jean
Valjean. For the first time ever, I believed the scene where Valjean lifts the
cart off of the dude and everyone makes a big deal about how strong he is. On
stage, the lead role of Valjean is typically played by some wafer-thin theater
sprite, sashaying around the stage like he just won first prize in the Vienna
Boys tap dancing contest. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But Hugh Jackman is a brute, and when he bulges his eyes out
and lifts up that cart…man, you believe it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Russell Crowe is a good Javert. His sings like a post
puberty teenage boy trying to get a good grade in his choir class, but it is
not so bad that it is distracting. The bonus is that Russell Crowe was meant to
play that part. There is a scene where he rides up to an inn on his horse and barks,
“Where is the girl, Cossette?” in his classic Russell Crowe growl. He was so
intimidating that I actually shouted at the screen and told him which way she
went. I was promptly shushed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sacho Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter are excellent as
the Thenardiers. I was expecting Borat to overdo it and be a little too over
the top…but pleasantly surprised at the subtle humor they mixed into their
parts while not attempting to steal each scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The real scene stealer in the movie is the kid who plays Gavroche.
Amazing job. Loved him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And finally, the talk of the town is my old nemesis Anne
Hathaway. She already tried once this year to ruin a movie for me as Catwoman,
so I gritted my teeth, ready for her to pull a double header on me in 2012. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She blew it away. Yes, she overacts. Yes, did all the right
things to get her Oscar (which she will no doubt win). She went ugly. She
shaved her head. She cried and sued a lot of snot close-ups. She wailed. She
went from beautiful Anne Hathaway to toothless street walker in about ten
minutes. And when she sings “I Dreamed a Dream”…nigga, you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel </i>it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m sorry I had to end with the nigga, but it really is the
only way I could express how amazing that scene was for me. If it makes you
feel any better, I said it like a rapper would. And remember, the truth that
once was spoken: Every message is better when delivered through song. Good job,
Anne. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Go see <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Les Miserables</i>.
Meanwhile, Part 2 of “Doug Goes to the Movies” will be coming in the next
couple of days, as I recently saw Quentin Tarantino’s newest movie, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Django Unchained. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-48850645340956413302012-12-04T15:05:00.001-08:002012-12-04T15:05:22.048-08:00Doug Reveiws the NFL
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know anything about Jovan Belcher except that he is
now, the Tuesday after he murdered his girlfriend, committed suicide, and
orphaned his baby girl, old news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go to
ESPN.com and you might find it difficult to even locate his name. He is just another
broken football player whose life ended in tragic and confusing violence, and
we got a new news cycle to focus on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, by the way, Belcher didn’t start a few weeks ago because
of a head injury he had suffered in the previous game against the Bengals. He
was experiencing short term memory loss, coupled with head and neck pain (But I’m
certain none of this had anything to do with his shocking murder/suicide).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He got back into the lineup the following weekend though,
because let’s face it: in the NFL, you snooze, you lose. Right, Alex Smith? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">NFL players will do whatever it takes to keep their position
in the lineup. One nagging injury and a guy is right there, eager to take your
spot (and your paycheck). One bad injury and you are a step closer to opening a
failed restaurant in Galveston. One more persistent injury and you are out of
the league and broke. So don’t tell anyone about your fuzzy vision, ok? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, did you think the league would provide you with workman’s
comp insurance? Hahahaha. Yeah right, injuries are a part of the game. Guys
getting injured and facing a lifetime of minimum wage are just collateral damage.
You have to crack a few eggs if you want some of the billion dollar NFL Omelet…ouch,
poor use of the word “crack” right there. We wouldn’t want to call attention to
all the cracked skulls, brains, spines and knees, would we?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Before we jump on the dumb-jocks-that-made-their-choice
bandwagon, let’s try to remember that these “dumb jocks” all spent more time
and energy preparing for their job than any of us did to get our jobs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The NFL may not be worse than ancient Roman gladiator games,
but then again, it might be. I mean, sure, the participants aren’t prisoners
and slaves…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">…but they are predominantly black men; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bought, sold and traded from team to team,
risking their health (and even their lives) in order for their white owners
(yes, NFL teams have owners) to increase their billion dollar empire. And once
their strength is gone and we find no use for them? Owners simply discard them to
make way for the new young batch of “participants.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love football and I want to continue watching it. But the
NFL has got to get more serious about protecting the players. If that means
less viciousness in the hits defensive players lay on the offense, I will have
to accept that. As it stands, the NFL business plan is doomed. You can’t have a
business that murders, maims and destroys its own product. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The league has bloody hands. Unfortunately, so do you and I.
We are all a little bit responsible for promoting, purchasing and praising an organization
that vindicates violence. The lives of Junior Seau, Steve McNair, Jovan
Belcher, and the thousands of other impacted players have to be more valuable
to us than the momentary pause for silence no doubt held at Arrowhead stadium
two days ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In order to have any effect at all, these ever increasing moments
of silence <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">must </i>to be followed by
something more than the Star Spangled Banner and business as usual. Come on,
NFL. Do the right thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-52729211640407976632012-11-25T13:00:00.005-08:002012-11-25T13:00:57.430-08:00Doug Reviews Life of Pi<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ugh. I’ve tried to write this blog five times. It just isn’t
happening. A friend of mine recommended I write about <i>Life of Pi</i>. It is one of my favorite books, and now after seeing the
movie yesterday, on my top movies list as well. I am now simply lost in trying
to review something so meaningful to me at a personal level. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christmas time, five years ago, my brother introduced me to
a book he had just read called <i>Life of
Pi. </i>He has impeccable taste in literature (I mean, he’s read virtually
everything, so he ought to have an idea of what does and does not suck). I
bought the book and read it over the course of about four days. The story spoke
to me in a way I’d been searching for. You can imagine my
excitement/trepidation when I learned the book was being made into a movie. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Excited to see the story in film, nervous that like so often
is the case, the translation to the big screen would lose the most important
essence of the book. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The book touts itself as a “story that will make you believe
in God.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The story is basically a two hundred plus page build
up to a single point. A quick Google
search will show no shortage of interpretations of that one point. I once heard
Rob Thomas (lead singer of Matchbox 20) explain that the power of a great song
is often that it means different things to different people, and I think that
explanation might hold up with <i>Life of
Pi. </i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’ll try to give you the real interpretation…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should say here that I will do my best to avoid spoilers,
but it will be difficult to not give some things away while discussing the
book/movie. If you have not read the book or seen the film, maybe you ought to
before reading this post. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Piscine’s name is important to the book. His nickname, Pi, is
critical to the representation of life the main character plays. He plays all
of humanity. He plays the numberless, infinite, irrational, imperfect and indescribable
role of existence that we all face, just like his mathematical counterpart, <span style="font-family: Symbol;">p.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pi introduces us to his life in Pondicherry, his experience
growing up in a zoo, and his fascination with religion. Then, his family closes
the zoo, sells the animals, and sails to Canada on a Japanese cargo ship. The
ship sinks, and from there we are told two wildly different but eerily similar stories.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first story is one of adventure and magic. It is an
inspiring story of optimism and survival, of the promise of something better,
and the assistance of heaven through mysticism and the supernatural.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second story is much bleaker. It tells of the depths one
must go to in order to survive. It speaks of shame and loneliness and the
brutality of existence. There was no assistance from on high, just random luck,
a fierceness to survive and a tiger like ferociousness necessary to overcome
the hopelessness of existence. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the center of it all is Richard Parker. In one story, he
exists as a real life tiger to aide Pi in his survival, keep him company,
ensure he is on constant alert, and provide him with a purpose. In the other
story, Richard Parker exists only as a deep and primal part of Pi, an imagined
embodiment of Pi’s strong instincts for survival. Whether in the boat or in Pi’s
mind, Richard Parker is real enough to keep Pi alive. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The men interviewing Pi are asked the question, “Which story
did you like better?” To which they reply, “The one with the Tiger.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And so it goes with
God</i>. Even my Calvinist and Determinist friends will agree, we each get to
choose the story we like best. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a great quote early on in the book that was absent
from the movie. In fact, the movie completely dropped the first Mr. Kumar, the
teacher who professes to Pi his atheism. For me, Mr. Kumar’s role is crucial to
the plot. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As Pi is adopting more and more practices from each of his
religions, he discusses also the closeness he feels toward his atheist brothers
and sisters. He then addresses agnosticism and doubt. For those of us who
wrestle with doubt, he claims doubt is useful and we must all face it at some
point. But then he says something that has stayed with me, to the point I don’t
even need to look it up: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“To choose doubt as a
philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regardless of which story we choose to believe, we must keep
moving. That’s why I choose the story with the tiger. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-35378479270395588482012-11-21T12:00:00.002-08:002012-11-21T12:00:10.485-08:00Doug Reveiws Thanksgiving
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Disclaimer: This post
is written for an open minded audience. It is written to be entertaining, not
enlightening or accusatory or informational. It is written lightly, if you feel
this is not the kind of thing for you, I hold no hard feelings if you pass on
reading. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I once had an idea that I would write a short story about an
ancient king named Golumba. In my story, Golumba would be a good and decent
king. The people throughout his land would love and respect him. Peace and
harmony would reign. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Soon enough, however, barbaric savages would invade from the
south. They would start by cutting off supply trains and eliminating the
ability for the kingdom of Golumba to do any sort of trade. Then they attack
small villages, raping and murdering every resident. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The savages would send messages to King Golumba, with the
severed heads of his faithful subjects serving as the container carrying the
messages. The message was always the same, one of death, destruction and a
bloody end to the kingdom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Eventually, through laying a horrible siege to the imperial
city, the savages would obtain their victory. King Golumba would be forced to
watch as his wife, children and grandchildren were all ravaged and brutalized before
being tortured and eventually murdered. He could do nothing. The savages would
not let him die. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Worse than death, they wanted king Golumba to live with the
pain and misery of their actions. These savages would be completely
unredeemable in my story. They would banish the king to the sea. Golumba, so
wise and peaceful, would turn raw and maniacal during all these events. He’d
become bloodthirsty and swear an oath upon the heads of the savages. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now to King Golumba, an oath is the most sacred of things.
For 400 days he would drift alone on the open seas, all the while plotting his
revenge. He created parchment from his torn and tattered clothes, and wrote the
history of his people on the parchment with his own blood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After the 400<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> day at sea, King Golumba would
strike land. He would put his plan into action immediately. He began to
rebuild. He created a small bit of wealth and married a young girl. She would
give birth to a son. King Golumba would tell his son the story of his people,
and pass on the sacred parchment of blood, asking his son to swear the same
oath of revenge. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The king would grow old and die. His son, however, burned
with the oath he had sworn to avenge his family. He would marry and have a son,
to whom he would pass the story, the parchment and oath. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This would go on for two thousand years, as each new Golumba
son would take on the oath, the plan, and the parchment. One day, King Golumba’s
five hundredth great grandson, Cristofer, would finally put the plan into
action. He went before the queen, asking for money, supplies, armies and boats,
under the guise of finding new trade routes to India. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At sea, his men would notice the increasing madness of
Cristofer Golumba, and the fragile parchment he grasped constantly between his
fingers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>many days at
sea, the call of land being spotted would draw Golumba starboard, where he
would see for the first time the land he had been told of so many times. He
would look out at America, look down at his parchment, and then under his
breath he would grumble the words, “Now I bring a great plague of men, armies,
sickness and destruction upon this land. Now I will avenge my forefathers.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And fade to black. We know the rest of the story. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyway, I had plans to write this story, really fill it in
with details, and use it as a way to sort of revise history to help me somehow
come to grips with the destruction of Native Americans in this land. If somehow
we could rewrite the history to make it seem like they had it coming, it would
make what we’ve done to Natives a little easier to swallow, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But now it is Thanksgiving time and I’m white. I usually
like to celebrate the season by making friends with as many Native American
families as I can find. I try to get close enough to them that they feel
comfortable with me inviting them over for Thanksgiving dinner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here’s where it gets really good. The night before
Thanksgiving, I give them the wrong address to my house. The next day while
they are out searching for my fake home, I sneak into their double wide and
steal all the good stuff I can find and then burn the stuff that appears to
have no value. Finally, as a peace offering, I leave them a case of Jack
Daniels and a box of small pox spiders. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Each year, this puts me in the holiday spirit and makes my
turkey taste a little juicier. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Okay, obviously I’m exaggerating. I don’t really do all
those things. It would be silly, because Thanksgiving is not actually the day
we celebrate the complete destruction of Native American life and our dominance
over them as a race. No, we celebrate those things every day of the year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ll stop now. I’m unfairly grouping all white people into
taking the blame for the actions of some really crappy white people. But the
facts remain, and this creates an annual conundrum for me. I am now forced to
do a lot of really good and enjoyable things while skillfully blocking a lot of
suffering from my mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Happy Thanksgiving everyone! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-44148970064369938192012-11-19T12:36:00.000-08:002012-11-19T11:37:13.093-08:00Doug Reviews Influence <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is an eerie experience that some people have every day
of their life that I have had only a couple of times, ever. It’s actually
pretty cool. Let me tell you about two recent instances. The first time, what
happened was I made a joke that I thought was worded pretty well and captured
both the essence of a common experience we all have, but also painted a vague
enough picture that the person hearing or reading the joke could insert their
own unique imagination to make it humorous to them. I made the joke through a
text message to a friend. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A couple of weeks went by, and suddenly, during a
conversation with another friend, the same joke was told to me as if I was new
to it. I laughed and marveled at the way good content gets around. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then recently, I came up with something humorous and posted
it to the social news site Reddit. I won’t tell you what it was and I won’t
reveal my Reddit username. I like the anonymity afforded to me there. Anyway, a
few days ago while browsing Facebook I saw a friend had ‘shared’ a humorous
post. To my surprise, it was my original post from Reddit, now making the
Facebook rounds. When I saw all the likes and replies to the comment, I was
thrilled. I felt I had influenced, if just for a moment, the thinking of some folks
on both Reddit and Facebook. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The experience got me thinking about the circle of influence
we each have. There are certain people for me, in real life and online, that if
they make a recommendation there is no way I am not following up on what they
suggest. I trust the judgment of these people so much, I buy/watch/read/listen
to/participate in whatever they suggest. Some of you reading this are
specifically the people I’m talking about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Imagine if we could all be assigned an influence score. The score
would be based on the level of influence we each have as a percentage of the
whole. You would essentially take the size of potential influence a person has,
how active they are in attempting to influence members of their pool, how successful
they are in actually affecting the consumer behaviors of their circle, and then
compare it against their similar sized peers and create a stack ranking, assigning
an individual influence score. Every single person would have a score. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Obviously, very little would change: big celebrities would
get big bucks to endorse certain products or services. Trained actors would be
in commercials peddling their employers’ wares. Vince would continue to sell
the Slap Chop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But what about on the micro level? Wouldn’t marketers be interested
in finding the highest ranked influencers in smaller subsets to endorse their
products, promote their politics, spread their religion, etc? Wouldn’t
potential employers want to see these numbers and actively recruit the most
influential people? I know that in my capacity as an “employer” I would find
this metric to be extremely fascinating. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s basically taking the concept I frequently tease (Facebook
Diet Shake Salespeople) and applying it to everything that generates any form
of income or increase. I make fun of those Facebook Sellers, but obviously what
they are doing is working. Obviously they are getting more people to buy their
shakes or attend their fitness classes. Why not tap into that same influence model,
pay ordinary citizens for the impact they can have and use that model for
everything?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And instead of paying citizens, it seems like it would be
possible to create a global “rewards program.” Instead of rewards for being a
member of some club or a frequent flyer, why not use data from each person’s influence
score to provide discounts based on the impact that person has on goods and
services? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Privacy! Rights! Protect the children!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Bullcrap. If you think you have those things, you are naïve.
Based on my spending habits, web-browsing history, voting records, income, tax
returns, court records, and borrowing patterns I am an open book to anyone with
the right access to that information. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Look, this is already happening to some extent. You know
those ads that show up on the sidebar of your email account? Those ads are
there based on the content of your emails and the history of websites visited.
Why not simply attach all of my personal information to my secure consumer
profile, factor in my influence score and give me discounts based on the
success I have getting other consumers to use certain products? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It would work like this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doug posts something on Twitter about how his
family uses Huggies Diapers because they are so much more absorbent and easier
to put on than Pampers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This information is immediately added digitally to
Doug’s profile with Huggies, which sure enough, checks out. Doug buys a thing
of Huggies every three weeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Over the course of the next few weeks, Huggies
adds new customer profiles to their database based on new purchases. A small
percentage of those new profiles fall into Doug’s circle of influence. The
computer generates Doug’s influence score and applies the algorithm to his
profile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next time Doug buys Huggies, the computer
automatically processes a $2.47 discount because Doug is such a good little
diaper salesman. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Repeat this process for every product ever made.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">At first, this would cause an increase in the asinine referrals
made by all of us in our respective news feeds. However, the economics of
content and interest would soon balance that out so that we would only recommend
great products and not risk being unfollowed, defriended, or otherwise shunned
by the digital community. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Or maybe I’m just tired of buying diapers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-65769887256902936842012-11-07T06:56:00.000-08:002012-11-07T08:57:21.837-08:00Doug Reviews the Election<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This post is about
politics, and America, and freedom, and the American Dream, and the election.
If those things make you sick by now, I don’t blame you and I invite you to
move on. I won’t be offended. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I rarely write about work, and for good reason. I don’t like
mixing my work in with <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what I try to do
here, which is the sharing of myself with you. But today, I am going to draw
some similarities. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Occasionally, my job obligates me to terminate the
employment of another person. I hate doing it, and really, it’s the worst
aspect of my job. But here’s the problem: I’m very good at doing it. Isn’t that
something to be ashamed of? I’m so good at it, in fact, that <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am often asked to sit in with others when
they are letting someone go. No, I’m not asked to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sit in</i>…I’m asked to take the lead. My secret? I am kind and
efficient when firing someone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Many times, I will be discussing the “firing meeting” with
the other person sitting in with me and they will start talking about all the
zingers they want to use. If the person being fired is argumentative, the
firing manager will tell me all the things they want (or wanted) to say to that
person. They will recite a long list of one-liners that they feel would really
put the person being fired in their place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time this
happens, I respond with the same boring old philosophy: We are already doing
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">worst</i> thing we could be doing to
this person. We hold all the cards. Why rub that in or say more than needs to
be said? For Pete’s sake…we are already <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">firing</i>
this person, what more do you want to do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I then calmly and pragmatically invite the person being
fired into the office, explain to them what is happening and why, let them know
we wish them luck, and encourage them to take action that day in their effort
to find a new job. Then I escort them out and it’s done. No arguments, no
blow-ups, 5 minutes, done. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tell you this because of the comments I heard on the radio
this morning while I exercised (I will not be posting on Facebook the type of exercise
I do or how good I feel or pictures of my triceps). I’ll get to the message, but
first, let’s discuss some reactions to last night’s election. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">To read Facebook chronologically was pretty epic last night.
For my wide range of politically affiliated friends, it was funny to see one
side posting about the literal end of days, the destruction of America, and a
desire to move to some foreign land. Equally disturbing were the posts from the
other side filled with desperate relief, as if we had just successfully fought
off an invading horde of Robotic Rape Demons. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One post in particular caught my eye, saying something about
America being even stupider than the poster had thought possible, and now we
are all going to have to get what we deserve, indicating we deserved a visit
from the aforementioned Robo-rapists. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What I found odd about this person’s post is, I know him,
and I know that in the four years Obama has been in office, this individual has
taken two new jobs, each one offering a raise and promotion. Has Obama really
destroyed his family’s future?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Another post talked about sleeping better now that we are past
the nightmare of Mitt Romney buddying up to his rich friends, destroying the
middle class and taking women’s rights back 100 years. This person has also
posted their despising of Mitt Romney for his money. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hypocrisy has got to come to an end in America. Just so you
know, despising Romney for his hard-earned wealth is kind of silly. Because it’s
all a matter of scales. The fact is lower middle class Americans are to the
average Bangladeshian what Mitt Romney is to lower middle class Americans (and
the poster in question is much better off than “lower middle class”). Unless that
person is selling all they have, quitting their jobs and giving everything to
Bangladesh or Africa or Mexico…I’d say it’s time to stop judging. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know you want Mitt to pay more in taxes…but he’s paid
millions in taxes. That’s pretty admirable, even when you tally all the taxes I’ve
paid and add in my volunteer hours and money I give to charity and money I
donate to my church. Mitt has me beat, so maybe my friends and I should do more
and worry less about Mitt. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Which brings me to, my original story about firing people.
This morning, one of the liberal talk show hosts I listen to was pontificating
about all the reasons Mitt Romney didn’t win the election. He was chastising
Mitt and the republicans. More specifically, he was rubbing Obama’s victory in
Mitt’s face, talking about what a failure of a campaign Romney ran. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You know that mantra I live by, “We are already doing the
worst thing we could do to this person by firing them, why take it any further?”
That’s what I thought this morning. Romney lost the election. He knows why
because he knows how he ran his campaign. Isn’t that enough? Do we really spend
the next few weeks preaching how stupid those with different opinions are?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If everyone who voted for Romney is a soulless idiot, and
everyone who voted for Obama is an ignorant moron…where does that leave us? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And back to the Romney supporters (including me, I voted for
Romney). Look, the guy we voted for didn’t win. The only way that becomes the
end of the world is if we actively destroy the world. The thing to do now is rededicate
ourselves to the country and the president. We need to give the guy in charge
our full support and do whatever we can to make President Obama the greatest US
President in history! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The fact is, it will take the greatest to bring us out of
this global rut, so if anyone can lead us to a brighter future, it starts
today, it starts with the President we elected, and we all need to join forces
to create that future. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You know what will happen if we don’t come together and push
this nation forward? Nothing. The same nothing that has been happening for
years, the same nothing we blame congress and the president for. It is not the
government’s fault, it is our fault. So let’s all do more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m not writing to the 20% of Americans that pay all the
taxes and finance this country’s endeavors, and I’m not talking to the 20% that
give of their time and energy as volunteers to improve the lives of others (by
the way, about 7% of those two groups are the same people). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">No, I’m writing this now to my fellow 66ers. I mean the 66%
of us in America who give the least amount of our money and time possible to
make the country better. The 66% of us who would rather watch our nightly
television lineup than be bothered to actually give a damn. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Let’s rise up, ol’ 66. Let’s start a revolution of the
purple politics we hear so much about. We 66% are pretty much half
conservative, half liberal, and half who gives a crap. Let’s keep the first two,
but let’s actually start giving a crap. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Today, I am going to the Boys and Girls Club of America. I will
sign up as a volunteer to help out and tutor underprivileged youth. I hope my
resolve sticks. I hope I can do more for this country than sit around and bash
the other side. I hope we can, as a united nation, come together and stop
bickering. Most importantly, I hope someday you’ll join me, and the world will
be as one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-78646779475508444182012-11-02T13:28:00.001-07:002012-11-02T13:28:25.352-07:00Lunch BreakI am back at the sandwich shop for my lunch break. Only this time, instead of the Italian BMT, I went with the Cold Cut Trio. <br />
<br />
On my walk over here, I stopped to talk to a hobo named Walter. I didn't say much, but here's what I learned about Walter. <br />
<br />
1) Walter has 12 kids. When speaking of them, ages 32-19, his eyes welled up with tears and he asked me, "What the H am I doing with my life?" He actually said "H," which I thought was funny because of the litany of actual F-words he said leading up to this exchange. <br />
<br />
Anyway, his voice cracked as he told me to be a goo father and don't mess up my kids' lives like he did to his. <br />
<br />
2) Walter has had tests performed on him. He has an IQ of over 297, and has been told he is one of the four smartest people on the planet. He told me he thinks that might be BS because, again, look what he is doing with his life. <br />
<br />
3) Walter has been to war, and has a range of 2,917 Meters. At this point, the tears returned as he asked me why they made him kill? He explained that he never wanted to kill anyone, and he despises himself for it. I didn't really know what to say, so I reminded him he was doing what he did under orders and thanked him or his service to our country. That's when he told me he loved me for the first time. <br />
<br />
4) Walter is some sort of Neurosurgeon/engineer. He told me he has fixed the brains of many people with brain damage. He has to keep it under wraps though, because if the government found out he was still doing it, they'd kill him. <br />
<br />
At this point, Walter had to get to the social security office and I had to get to Subway, so we exchanged emails, I gave him a $5, we told each other we loved one another and parted ways. <br />
<br />
Now, Walt was pretty drunk, so I don't think he was completely honest with me...but on the off chance he was completely telling the truth, was I just in the opening scene of the most intriguing movie ever? Are they filming and I just don't know about it? Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-12637511990353007802012-10-30T17:59:00.004-07:002012-10-30T17:59:42.259-07:00Doug Reviews Guilt<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;">This morning I spoke with the Paul Pfeiffer to my Kevin Arnold (if I could use a <i>Wonder Years</i> reference). Actually, I’m probably the Paul to his Kevin, because if they made a TV show about our childhood, I imagine it would probably focus on him… but now we are arguing semantics. The fact is, if you are telling a story about me from my own personal wonder years, you have to include him and vice versa. But for the purposes of today’s story, I’ll call him Kevin.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Before I go into detail about our conversation, let me give you some background. During my high school days I was probably popular. I say “probably” because I never considered myself popular (actually I considered myself a loser who was terrified of girls, teachers and my father). However, looking back and comparing how easy my high school experience was when compared to others…I didn’t dislike anyone and I am unaware of any enemies, so I guess that makes me at least mid-level popular.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;">In high school, you sort of are who your friends are. There were many people I was friends with, but really there were only five guys I considered my actual <i>true</i> friends. One of them was killed so let’s call it four. There are on this planet four human males I consider to be crucial to the shaping of my existence, for dictating who I would become, and who I am today. We had the traditional friendship, the vulnerable kind where they knew everything about me, and I them, including the most embarrassing and shameful parts. When you can sit in the same room with a guy and attempt to watch the scrambled soft core “Action Channel” together…that is the highest or deepest level of friendship. Your friends matter.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You move on, though. You go to college, you get married, you have kids. Your interests change, your surroundings change, your friends change. And it’s ok, because that is the same life we all face. But you never forget. You never lose those feelings for the ones who got you through. </span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyway, “Kevin” and I were talking, reminiscing as we tend to do. We live on opposite sides of the world and only see each other once or twice a year, but the natural rhythms, the laughter, and the roles we each play in one another’s lives come as naturally to us as tears to a military funeral. Our conversation this morning, though, went to a new place of shared guilt and regret for what growing up does to a man.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;">One of the friends from the above named group of four lost his father to cancer last year. Incidentally, this father was among the villagers responsible for raising me. He was my first basketball coach. I watched my first R-rated movie (<i>The Silence of the Lambs) </i> in his den, unbeknownst to him. He went from basketball coach to basketball fan, watching and cheering for me as I played up through the school system. He bought a pool table, and at once became equal parts billiards coach/billiards heckler to our group of friends. He was the “buddy’s dad” who owned a golf cart and would buy us pizza pretty much whenever we wanted it. He was a pillar in the foundation holding up the walls of my youth. And he was ravaged and decimated by stupid, heartless cancer.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;">During our conversation this morning, Kevin asked me if I had spoken to our friend since his dad passed. I crinkled my brow, thinking back to the funeral I didn’t attend, and responded, “No, I texted him my condolences when his dad died. That’s the last I’ve <i>spoken</i> to him.” Kevin admitted he had left our friend a voicemail, but that was the extent of his reaching out. There was a brief pause in our conversation as we both attempted to come to terms with our shame, and then I cracked a joke to avoid bursting into tears. We spoke for a few minutes longer and ended the call.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;">All day I’ve been thinking about that conversation. It has distracted me. This is what I’ve become? Now I’m the guy who sends a <i>text</i> to one of my closest, most valuable friends when he goes through the pain of losing his father? Are the rest of us this cold, or is it just me? Once again, the convenience of technology has allowed for me to fake actual human interaction, while completely avoiding it. Shame on me.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are moments in life that matter. Our friends matter. I have failed a good friend of mine during one of these moments. This happened a year ago. To call him now would be pointless and awkward. I need to find a way to make it up to him, to show him that regardless of what happens or the distance between us (figuratively and literally), I still care. I just don’t know how. Dave, if you ever read this…I’m sorry, man. I failed as a friend.</span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-19889100478135385632012-10-25T17:59:00.001-07:002012-10-25T17:59:06.667-07:00Doug Reviews Songs
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are thousands of awesome songs out there. Thousands!
So a week ago when I started thinking, “What are my favorite song lyrics of all
time?” it seemed an impossible task. I felt like I might as well attempt to
climb Mount Everest rather than compile a list of top ten song lyrics.
Impossible! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But you know what? My cousin recently reached the summit of
Everest. He is a huge inspiration to me, so I decided to give it a try. Going
in, I set up some rules for myself: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Context doesn’t matter- These have to be lyrics
that can stand alone without hearing the rest of the song to get their meaning.
They can’t be self-referencing or story based. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Only one entry per musician- This is to broaden
the scope. I could sit here and quote Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and Bob Seger all
day, but I want to get the best lines and remove body of work as a criteria.
This opens the door for anyone, rather than only the most famous bands and
songwriters of all time (although none of my “One Hit Wonder” submissions made
the final list).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It has to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i>
list- I could very easily have gone with all the old standbys based on cultural
popularity (which I did, in some cases) but instead the lyrics have to make a
personal connection with me, enough that I can write a small piece of how the
lyrics impact me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The song doesn’t matter- These lyrics all come
from great songs, but not necessarily my favorite songs. Sometimes, they don’t
even come from my favorite song by the artist I am quoting! In fact, a couple of
my favorite bands/singers don’t even show up on this list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I feel like I did some pretty good work here. Consider today’s
blog my own personal Everest. The following is a list of my top ten song lyrics
of all time. This list only applies to me, so feel free to add your own favorites
in the comments. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">10) “You can choose a
ready guide from some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide you still
have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can
kill. I will choose a path that’s clear: I will choose free will.” Rush, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpCASVFyQoE" target="_blank">Free Will<o:p></o:p></a></i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t want to turn this into a philosophical discussion
debating the concepts of Free Will versus Calvinism/Determinism. But I cannot
deny is there is no better song to crank in the car when I am down on myself or
frustrated or helpless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The way the chorus sneaks out the first few lines as it
secretly ascends through its progressions is genius. The final declaration is
one any song singer worth his salt can deliver with the deepest of convictions.
Just hold the “choose” a quarter of a beat longer than it seems like you should
(don’t worry, Neil Pert will take care of you), and announce to the world, “I
will choooose free will!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What a liberating song. I dare you to go out in your car,
crank this jam and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> emerge feeling
like you can destroy small cities with the awesomeness of your air guitar
skills. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">9) “I know someday
you’ll have a beautiful life. I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s life.
But why, why, why can’t it be mine?” Pearl Jam, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFVlJAi3Cso" target="_blank">Black</a></i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This line (and the way Eddie delivers it) has a peculiar
power: It creates a make believe person in my past that I actually can feel
strong emotions for. I have to come clean; I have never been through a messy break
up. Sure, I’ve been dumped and I’ve probably broken a heart or two along the
way, but I don’t have that person in my past that makes me wonder “what if?”
Somehow, this line from this song invents such a person in my past. It builds a
feeling of longing and despair that there is someone who you just couldn’t work
it out with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(It doesn’t hurt that Eddie Vedder could sing the
ingredients on an Altoids tin and make it sound like there is pain behind the
lyrics)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8) “We’ll make the
air with music ring, shout praises to our God and King!” -Mormons, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB5tRONz8QU" target="_blank">Come, Come ye Saints</a></i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sorry, you know I had to get all Mormon up in here at least
once, right? I can’t imagine being an early pioneer. I can’t imagine being
forced out of my home and made to trek west in a great modern day exodus,
searching for a resting place and a place to escape the religious persecution they
faced. I can’t imagine the hardships, the death, the lost children and loved
ones, the despair... I don’t think I could do it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That’s why this line gives me chills when I hear it. It
starts off with what sounds almost like a marching beat, as if you can feel the
resolve to get through the sentence. And just as poetically, it ends with immediate
self-fulfilling prophesy; rather than sing the line, one quite literally shouts
praises to God and King while describing their intentions to do just that.
Thrilling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">7) “With the lights
out, it’s less dangerous. Here we are, now entertain us.” -Nirvana, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg" target="_blank">Smells Like Teen Spirit<o:p></o:p></a></i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">From one religion to the next, we review the most famous
work of demigod Kurt Cobain. This line somehow speaks volumes of mine and
probably most teenage generations. It is not what lurks in the shadows that
scare us, but the monster of reality staring at us in broad daylight. I hear
this line, and I am reminded of the relative anonymity that exists when the
light go dark. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Simultaneously, isn’t the second line the epitome of teenage
hypocrisy? Indicating that “here we are” as if they are forced to be there (and
let’s face it, teenagers feel forced to be anywhere), and now it is the world’s
job to provide entertainment. How do people write this stuff? I can’t break
down in two paragraphs even one portion of what Cobain said in 13 little words.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6) “The best thing you’ve
ever done for me was to help me take my life less seriously. It’s only life,
after all.” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And</i> “There’s more than
one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line. The less I seek my
source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” Indigo Girls, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQJAbyLjXtE" target="_blank">Closer to Fine<o:p></o:p></a></i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m breaking a lot of rules here. First of all, most of you
bigots are going to probably accuse me of “lezzing out” with this pick. Secondly,
it is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">scientific</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fact</i> that women are not as good at
writing songs as men are, so the Indigos shouldn’t even be on this list. That’s
a given. And finally, I broke my own rule by putting two separate lines into
one pick. Bush League, it is Bush League all around. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having said all that, I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand
here and let you disparage this song, and especially these lyrics. We all go
through moments where we want to give it all away and become free spirits,
glowing nymphs dancing in a moonlit forest. And if I’m honest? This song does
just that for me. No matter how I feel before this song plays, afterwards you
can bet I will always feel more content and at peace with myself and the world.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I’ll be even more honest with you: I had a tough time
narrowing it down to only two lines from this song. It is so freaking good. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5) “Emancipate
yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our mind.” Bob
Marley, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFGgbT_VasI" target="_blank">Redemption Song</a></i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is my go to song quote. If I were to get a tattoo of a
song quote on my ribcage, it would most likely be this one. Obviously it is a
beautiful quote and deep and poetic. But even more than that, for some reason
knowing this line makes a perpetually nerdy white guy like me feel somehow a
little cooler. It’s like, by knowing this quote, I can scoff at all the poser Rastafarians
who don’t truly understand what Marley was all about, man. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Also, the song itself fills me with a generous helping of white
guilt, so it keeps me honest. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4) “Here comes the
sun and, I say, it’s alright!” Beatles, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6tV11acSRk" target="_blank">HereComes the Sun</a></i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Are you getting to see a bit of a pattern here? I like feel
good tunes. And there is no better feel good song than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Here Comes the Sun.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Did you know George Harrison wrote this one? Did you know it
is him singing? Did you know he wrote it while wandering around the garden at
Eric Clapton’s house? Did you know he wrote it after a winter when he did a brief
stint in rehab, and this song is quite literally about the sun breaking through
the clouds on a wintery spring day?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So I’m sorry if I don’t clap along to it like a barking seal
when I hear some peppy, generic version of the song. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3) “I’d go hungry, I’d
go black and blue. I’d go crawling down the avenue. There ain’t nothin’ that I
wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.” Bob Dylan, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUQRjw6M4ZY" target="_blank">To Make You Feel My Love<o:p></o:p></a></i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Bob Dylan wrote it, Garth Brooks mastered it, and Adele
devoured it. It was written sweet, made perfect with cowboy sadness and then
belted out by the best songstress of this generation. Pretty timeless <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hit, and one that is particularly special for
me. The Garth Brooks version of this song is what my wife and danced to for our
“first dance.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As we swayed back and forth, the emotions and dreams and
visions for our future swirling all around me, this line penetrated into me,
and at the time I thought there might not ever be a better moment of my life,
and there might not ever be a better description for the way I was feeling for
my wife that night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Even now, typing this, I reflect on the enormity of creation
and wonder how I found her. I have a lot of cool things, a great job, and the
best friends in the world. But I would give it all up at once if it meant
staying by her side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2) “I don’t need to
fight to prove I’m right. I don’t need to be forgiven.” The Who, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKUBTX9kKEo" target="_blank">Baba O’Reilly<o:p></o:p></a></i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You know how people will describe to you those “A-ha!”
moments they’ve had in their lives? Well, this line provided one of those moments
for me. I was on my motorcycle, it was cloudy and nearing dark, and I was
listening contently to the best of The Who. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I won’t go into detail, because the moment is mine and I
wouldn’t share it with the world, but it certainly has stuck with me. I feel it
has made me less prone to anger, less of a fighter, more peaceful and more
whole with my existence. Thanks a lot, Who guys.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(For any of you worried about the legacy of the Chambers
boys, relax. You still can’t mess with one Chambers brother without facing the
wrath of the other. We are like a tiny little two-man Mexican family)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1) “Wish I didn’t
know now what I didn’t know then.” -Bob Seger, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi79wy97Wug" target="_blank">Against the Wind</a></i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is the greatest song lyric of all time. I’ve never met
anyone this didn’t resonate with. The line has been often duplicated and
borrowed by other musicians, simply because of the purity it maintains. Nostalgia
is a powerful thing, and all of us like to look back at who we were and use it
as a guide for who we are and who we want to be. This line invokes the opposite
greed; it is directly opposed to using knowledge as power. It speaks to the
majesty of wide-eyed wonder and the optimism the future holds for all of us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Each time I hear it, I remind myself to be happy, knowing that
even the hardships we have coming up will be valuable to us. They will teach us
things we probably don’t want to know, so we might as well go blindly forward,
because not knowing is the only thing that keeps us trying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-3847354796683107632012-10-23T08:51:00.001-07:002012-10-23T08:51:54.813-07:00Doug Reviews Jurassic Park
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The following is my first
ever attempt at a parable. It is inspired by a friend of mine, we will call him
“JT.” Jesus taught in parables. Here’s the thing, I’m no Jesus, so be patient
with me. It’s my first try. Usually I over state my point, making it very clear
what I am trying to discuss. This one is different. “He who has ears to hear,
let him hear.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There was once a wealthy man obsessed with dinosaurs. He
dedicated all of his vast resources, time, energy and sanity to the possibility
of seeing dinosaurs once again roam the Earth. He hired all the best minds to
help him achieve his goal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally, a breakthrough. A prehistoric mosquito was found
mummified inside a nugget of fossilized amber. Inside the mosquito was a tiny
drop of dinosaur blood. This scrap of DNA was enough to apply to the cloning
procedure the wealthy man had developed and at last, his dreams came true: the
rebirth of dinosaurs in our modern age!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The wealthy man wanted everyone to marvel at his creation.
He wanted to share the majesty of the dinosaurs with the rest of the world. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He bought an island on which the dinosaurs would live. He
went to great lengths to secure the island, ensuring the safety of the people
who would come. He built large, heavy fences and electrified them. He built
ditches around the fences to prevent the dinosaurs from getting through. He
built walls and escape routes and emergency shutdown procedures and Plan C’s to
back-up Plan B’s if anything were to ever go wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, “best laid plans”, and all that. The wealthy man soon discovered
what happens when you try to cage a dinosaur. The dinosaur will only stay happy
until it discovers the cage. It will roam and eat and kill and live a fulfilled
life, until someone puts up an obstacle blocking the path of the dinosaur. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Upon discovering said cage, a dinosaur will typically react
by saying, “What the eff is this? They are trying to cage me in, limit where I
can go and what I can do? Don’t they know I am a mother effin dinosaur?!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dinosaurs will typically follow this statement by tearing
down the cage, rampaging through the island, and killing all the humans, even
the ones who didn’t want to cage them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Occasionally, some humans will survive. But
these are usually the ones who knew going in that dinosaurs are dangerous and
perhaps not to be trifled with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And so it is with us. If we are hell bent on bringing
dinosaurs to our island, we need to know going in that none of the intricate
plans we create to box in the dinosaurs will work forever. A time will come
when the dinosaurs reach the limits of their cage. And they will not react
positively to the realization that they have been in a cage all along.
Hopefully, when that day comes we are all huddled together in the helicopter flying
us to safety instead of dropping a two in the outhouse, just waiting to be
eaten. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And so it is for all men who attempt to cage a dinosaur. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6501045872605431493.post-4860167278329194022012-10-18T17:31:00.002-07:002012-10-18T19:19:35.170-07:00Doug Reviews Cheating<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><i>Author’s Note: I just read through this post, and it took me in a direction I was not expecting. After my last few blogs, you may feel like you are an audience member to the live unraveling of my sanity, post by post. Don’t worry, I will ensure my next post is filled with toilet jokes and cleverly crafted insults toward celebrities.Enjoy! <o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">What if I told you Osama Bin Laden was a fraud? What if I had videos that showed Bin Laden renouncing Islam and accepting Jesus as his personal Savior? What if every terror attack orchestrated by Bin Laden was performed under false pretenses? Would you care?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I didn’t think so. The fact is, you and I don’t care why Osama Bin Laden did what he did, and we don’t care what he had to do to rise to the top of Al-Qaeda. The only thing we care about is that he planned and executed attacks that directly led to the deaths of thousands of innocent people. We don’t care about the means in this situation; we only care about the end. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">With that concept in mind, check out the following data: Since its inception, the Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” Foundation has raised over $470 Million dollars, 81% of which has gone directly to help fight cancer or support cancer patients. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’m no mathematician, but I think 81% of $470,000,000 is over $380 million dollars that has been raised to fight cancer! All thanks to those douchey little yellow bands. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But wait, there’s bad news! Lance Armstrong, the head and founder and spokesman and reason for the foundation’s existence probably used performance enhancing drugs on his way to his remarkable 7 straight Tour de Francevictories. How can we forgive this monster? He is a cheater and a fraud. He had the audacity to win bike races against all the other guys who were using PED’s(which, by the way, is not a made up statistic. In some cases, you have to goto the 24<sup>th</sup> place finisher to find a guy that <i>wasn’t</i> racing with drug assistance). <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’ll be honest, I’ve never really been a big Lance Armstrong fan, and I was among the first to assume he was guilty years ago when the accusations first started to fly. I find it interesting that I am here defending him. But the fact is, it is hard not to admire the guy for his public bouts with cancer and the work he has done to fight cancer. Just as Bin Laden’s actions led to death, Lance Armstrong’s actions led to life, care, and hope. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">And no matter what is and isn’t false about Armstrong, the hope he created is real. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Disclaimer here, I’m not a very good litmus test for this type of behavior. My favorite comic book hero of all time is Captain America. Cap’s whole premise is that he was a wimpy (but good hearted) guy who was injected with performance enhancing steroids and then started going around saving the world. No one seemed to care that drugs gave him his powers.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So forgive me if I don’t hop aboard the condemnation express to speak out against the fallen hero, Lance Armstrong. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Steroids saved baseball in the late 90’s. If it weren’t for Big Mac, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds breaking homerun records, Major League Baseball might have wilted and died in the post-strike era. And by the way, when a batter using steroids hits a homerun against a pitcher using steroids…isn’t that like a double negative, where it cancels itself out?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If it weren’t for steroids, professional wrestling would be nothing more than skinny guys in singlets doing that awkward wrestling that your weird friend did in high school. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Maybe this one might hurt a little more. If it weren’t for drugs, we wouldn’t have The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, The Who,Led Zeppelin or any other band or musician since. One of my favorite songs is “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_5U0M9ErGA" target="_blank">SheTalks to Angels</a>” by the Black Crows. The song is very literally about a woman addicted to Heroin, yet I hear it and I close my eyes and I develop an emotional attachment to this girl.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">All because of drugs.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Look, I am in no way condoning illegal drug use of any kind.Those of you who know me know that not only have I never touched a single illegal drug, I even get a little woozy from more than three Advil. But who amI to judge? My whole life has been filled with one amazing lucky break after another, from child birth to the typing of this word. I have never needed to escape from my reality, because my reality is awesome. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Some turn to drugs, and that’s part of their journey. I wish they wouldn’t. I’ve seen friends and family, some who have come back, some who haven’t.The pain and grief drug addicts put their families through is real and(speaking from experience) kind of selfish. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So no, I am definitely not condoning drug use. On the other hand, I am not condemning it either. Especially since we as a nation hypocritically worship the ground our most famous drug users walk on. If the message to kids is “Say No to Drugs,” than we sure as hell don’t tell them why.Kids are smart enough to figure out at a pretty young age that everything is not as drug free as it seems. The idols we force upon our youth are often the same drug addicted bullies we create campaigns to stop. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Sorry to cross comic universes here, but there is a line I love in the Dark Knight, where Alfred is arguing with Bruce Wayne that perhaps they don’t quite understand the Joker. He tells Bruce a story about the attempts he once made to find a bandit stealing precious gems in the jungle. He ended the story with an incredible quote, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">You know what? Most of us are more like the Joker than like Batman. We sit happily by with front row seats as we watch the world burn. We speak out against the injustices in the world, we talk about a drug free society, we shake our heads in disgust while radio hosts tell us what a shameLance Armstrong is. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Once we are done condemning, though, we sit comfortably on our couch. We pull out our iPads made by slave laborers in Asia and listen to music performed by violent junkies. We turn the TV on and watch the NFL, where enormous men spend three hours crashing into each other at full speed, leaving lasting lifetime health issues. We cheer them on, then act shocked and outraged when they die young or kill themselves. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The world is burning all around us. And I am just watching and laughing. Now someone in the media wants me to get riled up because some jerk who only raised a measly $380 million for cancer victims injected his own blood back into his body? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Please.<o:p></o:p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7